I don't know why

Hi.

I talked to abg about what I felt for these past few days. It does seem kakak getting better. She slightly changed. Maybe not up to what we expected, but we can see that she did it.

Abg not so agreed with my idea/suggestions. I told him, I want to keep a distance since I saw kakak is getting better now. I know that was what he afraid most. He knew that earlier than me. Sometimes, I’ve been thinking that abg was “greedy”. He wants both. I asked him to forget me. Since the situation is getting better now, I have to step aback.

Aku harus meninggalkan abg demi untuk satu kebaikan. Abg kena belajar melupakan sesuatu yang disayangi selama ini. Hubungan kami belum sampai lagi umur setahun, dan aku merasa abg masih boleh melakukannya.

Abg sounds very hard just now. I know he was mad at me. I might make him angry just now with my sudden suggestions. I just want to be good to him and his family. I looked much further than him. Marriage is one I’ve been looking forward right now, but I’m not that desperate. I’m still can think wisely for what I wanted or ever wanted in my life right now. But, I can sacrifice that once for all.

I know I got to do something. But I don’t know what I have to do.

I know abg is the best for what I have right now. Letting him go, mean I let go someone quite really good. I can say that abg is the best one I found in my life. He may not be good to others, but for my eyes, he is good enough to be my husband. Have a good knowledge in Islamic believe. Have a strong believe in Islam. He always tries his best dalam menjaga syariat dan adab. Always remind me to do the good things. Remind me about solah, sabar, and takdir. I never found this kind of man before. He likes “cahaya” to me. I believe Allah brought him to me. But, not in the acceptance situation.

Abg do not want me to think about it anymore. He said that we had been agreed the matter of marriage. I denied it. I said, I had changed my mind. Not anymore. I don’t want to. It quite surprised me, I had a feel that I can’t depend on him. I’m not very sure that he can take up all the responsibilities. I’ve been thinking about that so much lately. I’m so scared if he may not be able to manage me, kakak, both of us.

This is what I learned from my friend yesterday. She is the second one. The first one had just giving birth last weekend. She told me that her husband was quite busy. Even to make a phone call. And of course she was so sad. I’ve told him not to be sad because she has to understand the situation. But deep inside me , I’ve been thinking about myself. Am I being able to face that, in my future..???? I may not be demanding at this moment, but I’m afraid that I might be change once I become abg’s wife. Nobody knows, even I can’t promise on that.

I’ll be going away again tomorrow. I need some space. I just want to make a distance from abg. I will only be home next week. I need to rest. I’ll write again.
I’m going to miss home again this time. And absolutely everything that I’ll be leave for these coming few days. I made a promised to abg that I would call him once in a while when I’m away. Its quite difficult for me and for him too, but I have to do for the sake of kakak and him as well.

And still, I want us to remain as friends, forever.