DO I really Have To Choose

Hi,

It is really great that I have a blog. When I read my previous entries, it would bring all the memories. Even some remind me the date precisely.

Once I had wrote about me and Z when we were in Genting. That was few months after I getting to know abg. We were not much close that time, but we were getting to know each other better.

In fact by the time I was really wanted to left everything about Z behind. No looking back. I was really wanted to forget everything what we had together. Everything! Not even single thing I want to remember.

Time goes by.

I’m much get closer with abg. At one time I can remember that Z was almost lost his mind. Especially when he started to find me at my work place. But still I can manage how to keep the barrier.

In other hand, abg and I were getting really close. He always shared everything that he needs to share. By the time, the marriage is seems come to the end. Anyhow, I’m never fail to convince him that the marriage is still relevant. They needed each other. Well, it was quite hard for me. For those who read my blog might have many interpretations. Some might said, I’m the one who make their relation came to end. Or else, some might be pity on me. I should not be the third party. Even my best buddy, said that abg divorce his wife purposely because of me. Anyway, I don’t think that I need to explain to everybody for what I’ve gone through. She will never understand. Sincerely, for all the time since I know and getting closer to him, I’ve been a good listener to him, I was NEVER asked him to leave kakak, not to divorce her. Until, the court sends a remand, abg can’t take it anymore. It was showed very clear that kakak really wanted it. Even until that time, I never gave any comment, even I’ve told him to hold on and discuss with kakak professionally, without emotion.

Thing came to the end. They divorced.

It was hard for them. Even at one time, when I sat alone, I’ve been thinking for what I’ve done to them. I started felt guilty and mad at my own self. This won’t be happen if I cut off from the start. I should see the sign. It was late already.

By the mean time, Z came along. I met Z few times after a while.

I’ve been acted stupidly only to make abg angry at me. I was trying to tell him, to get back together with kakak again. Until today.

One thing came across my mind. If I’m love him (abg), I can’t keep continue acting like this. I’ve been confused as well. I’ve wrote in my previous entry, the feeling I had towards abg is different for what I had for Z.

I don’t like compare. It is not fair for them. Both of them have advantage in many different ways. But, to have this unsure feeling was really irritating sometimes. “Unsure” maybe is not the right word. But I can feel the feeling and only me that know what such feeling that I had for both of them.

I love abg. I love Z. But initially in different way.