The Blessing Weekend

Hi.

Sunday. There will be another 3 days of holidays. It is quite a long period for holiday this time. I don’t have any plan yet for this coming three days.

Anyway, today I’ve been to a place that I’ve been left for about more than 25 years like that. I got an invitation for a religion ceremony back home in my kampong. And for the matter of place, the place I went today was the place that I used to play during my childhood time.

I can remember that time; the place was the best place I wanted to be during that time. I used to play there, almost everyday. Even it was quite far from my house, but I still love to be there. There few things that makes the place my first choice.

First, friends.
Second, the place itself.

Talk about friends, there are four girls that quite a same age with me, and plus a few boys. Actually we were second cousins. Then there are two or three boys nearby and we always get along during the playtime. As far as I can remember I’m about 10 or 11 years old by that time.

So, what else the girls at that age love to play if not what always the girly do..:) We used to play “pondok-pondok” and “masak-masak” thing. And one of my second cousins, (she’s the leader) used to set up or planned for what we will have that day.

I can remember that time, I was hardly doing my revision or school works. The only thing I wanted to do is play. Once I finished my lunch, off to place and play until late evening. I have to walk about 1km to be at that place, actually. But mostly I’m always used to get my grandpa to bring me to the place. (Which it was his cousin’s house).

I and still remember, there’re few uncles (who is still young at that time) who are always mad at us cause we always disturb them. By that time, I’m always not understood why they are so fuss whenever we had our “pleasure” there. But now when I’m at this age, I can understand that.

And about the place, it was really the best one. First, there is one small stream and a paddy field at the back of the house. Then, there are lots of fruits trees, jambu batu, jambu air, jambu loceng, rambutan, cermai, bacang, mangga, limau.

And today, I was there once again. I met few of them, and everything was absolutely different. Well, what do you expect after 25 years time? I’m still keep in touch with them form time to time, but we hardly meet since when I moved to town. As time goes by, we getting older and life changes.

Today I’ve meet Kak R and Dik T. I’m almost shed my tears when we started to chat about what we had years ago. I have many nieces and nephews. They are grown up and some are in colleges and universities. But the best thing was, all of them are married, except me.

And most of all, I’m so proud and grateful, because they are so successful now. Even, I just can believe that they can go that very far and they’re really, really successful. They have good jobs, they got what they wanted (because we used to dream last time) and the most of all they are happy for what they have right now.

Same goes to my self as well. If I turn back to those years, I can’t believe that we can be for what we are today. We used to “berkubang” in the paddy field. Play catches the anak udang and ikan kecik-kecik. I don’t know the name, but I’m always used that name whenever mum asked me once I got home. Even, Kak R, she was the one yang kuat memanjat pokok. Everytime at each pokok yang berbuah, dialah yang panjat.

And today, I can see there is no more paddy field but they have changed to plants papaya trees. All the fruits trees were not there anymore as well. The house was getting old. Anyhow, it still okay.

Meeting the aunties and uncles and few grandmas and my second cousins today was the best thing I had today. I pray that we can meet once again, for another time.

Hard Time

hi

I am in a hard time right now.

But abg had tougher than me.

At the moment abg and kakak had saparated. Abg has moved..somewhere...

It's seems the things is getting worst. But I still beleive there will be a great hikmah from there. I can see, something that good happened after the incident. And I do pray that the "thing" will be okay and back to normal.

All I just want to do is pray, pray and pray. Amin.

Monday

hello..hi..

I did not go meet abg yesterday.

Few things came up and I didn't managed to preceed my plan. But, I'm so grateful actually because I have a reason not to go.

Frankly, I was the first who came with the idea to meet. Since I felt much better after the sickness, I felt that I wanted to meet him badly. Maybe "badly" might not the correct word that I have to use. But that maybe the best one to describe for what I felt that time. I'm really want to see him and at least can spend time with him even for awhile.

I know, I must not be supposed to act like that. Spending time..?? Hello..who am I that want to spend time with abg? I know I have to think twice for to write about this. But this is the reality. That was what I felt..truly.

So, last Wednesday I came out with this suggestion. When abg called me at the afternoon, I asked him for meeting this coming Sunday (yesterday). And for the mean time, atually I'm not 100% wanted it. Rasa..perasaan..keinginan. But far inside, I still don't want to that, because I'm scared actually with kakak. I know kakak was really do her work in searching me no matter what and no matter how, right now. And I'm not surprise if she hired a spy for this thing. And from the imformation that I heard, she's really get into it and she's really try it hard, very hard..very, very one !

So, yesterday, until noon, I've not confirmed it yet. And abg as usual, he sounds so sad when I told him that morning that I might not be able to meet him.

At 3pm, something came up here (at home) and I really can't go.

I gave him a call and canceled it. He understood for what had happened and everything was fine.

And last nite before off to bed, he called me to say goodnite, and as usual I said sorry for unable to make it yesteray.

And I'm so happy to hear his laughed over the phone., again.

Sunday

Hi.

I'm going to meet abg today. As planned.
He asked me to meet him today. We were planned to go somewhere.
But I did not even give him an answer yet.

I may be go and may be not.

I'll write later, if anything changing.

The Next Day..After Qurban

On the Wednesday, I was supposed to go to work. But I was not. I can’t get up from my bed. I was felt very dizzy. The dizziness was getting worst when I tried to get up from the bed. I even quite scared to go to the toilet. I knew it. “It’s coming”.

I knew it; my blood pressure must be at the high border that time. And I knew it; it must be due to the lack of rest for the past few days.

And that’s it. It was took me a week, to back to normal. I was on medical leave for 2 days. I can’t do heavy work and I was just laid down for the past 3 days until last Monday. And I even didn’t go outside for the rest 3 days.

Plus, I went to the clinic for 3 times and hospital twice. Even the doctor asked me to get warded just for get complete rest and to bring down the reading of my blood pressure.

I resist to his suggestion and prefer to rest in my house. And for that, I have to double up my dose of medication. And alhamdullillah, I’m getting better now. Under control. : )

Abg was with me through out the days. He taught me few verses of Quran during the time. It was really hard for me. It was quite a long time, I have not been in this situation. The last I had was in early 2003. Abg was so worried looking at my condition. I even can’t drive and almost “lost”. I felt so helpless. This is normal for me. I am the kind of very weak person.

I was not met abg since the Monday before raya. And it just today we have a chance to meet. And he was so surprised to see me so differently. I’ve lost 5 kg within one week. And of course I was still looked pale.

I missed him so much. Seeing him today, made myself very happy and grateful.
Deep inside, I felt very strong, that I can depend on him. I mean, I felt much safer with him. He was telling me not to think so much and so hard. Just take for what Allah prepared for us, he said. He had told me that for many times. And untik now, he’s still keep remind me of it. Because Allah knows what better for HIM and for us.

He might not be handsome. He might not be rich. But the knowledge that he got really make me like (love) him day by day. This might be the sacrife that I have to do for to make the life better, insyaAllah.

Ya Allah permudahkan lah segala urusan kami, kalau itu yang terbaik bagi diri kami, keluarga dan agama kami. Amin.

I'm So Grateful

Hello..Hi..

Syukur. Alhamdullillah. Segala pujian itu bagi ALLAH.

That’s what I want to say firstly in this entry.
I was not feeling well since hari raya haji. Even I was been advised by a doctor to get admitted in the hospital.
I wanted to write about our activity during the raya haji. But I can’t due to my sickness. It started sine the day of raya.
Everybody was gathered at our late grandma’s house in kampong. Aunt lang and myself were prepared the dishes at my place on the Monday. Then, came another troop in the late evening. And as usual, my house will be the last stop before they all left to kampong. Since the house was not been visited for a quite long time, so two of my aunts were agreed to cook few dishes more at my place.
All the ketupat, the gravy kuah kacang, “tumis” for nasi kerabu were well prepared at sharp 12 midnight. And only after that, they had made the move. Dad, myself , my third brother and sister were only got there the next day.

This year qurban season was totally different from years before. For every years (since my childhood) as I can remember, my family will have our quban at the grandma’s place, without failed. As far that I an remember we had not having it for two times only, first the year that my dad went to haj, and the second one is last year, when everybody was celebrating it in KB except my family. So, in those years, we were not having it.

And this year, everybody was made a decision to celebrate it in grandma’s place and have our qurban as usual. But another thing was changed though. They were not had the slaughter the cow at the backyard of the gram’s house as usual, but they had it at the slaughter house instead. I was laughed when I heard the idea at first. Everybody was so excited and make a joke on it. Even, most of my cousins were not happy, coz they said there won’t be felt the “suasana kurban” as before.

Anyway, off they went to the slaughter house right after the raya prayer. And actually it was a good choice as well; coz the weather was not really good before the hari raya. To do all the slaughter and keep the meat well organized on a rainy day would be difficult. So, this year, for only 50 ringgit all the job was done in less than an hour which previously we the whole family took it the whole day to got it done. Less work and the house was kept clean, which mean, we had plenty time to relax and just waiting for the relatives coming on that day. What a pleasure !!

Having a fresh meat was another thing. Eveybody was like “hilang akal” eating “daging”. I know fresh meat is sweet and tender. I didn’t take it as much as they did. I just only took 4 or 5 dry fried beef. Itu pun sebab tak tahan orang sogok. But the rest, they like having a festive. From the ox tail, gear box soup, the batang pinang and even the ox’s penis, all been the superb dishes that day.

We had been there until night. I left gram’s house at 9pm. Some of them still spent the another night there because they were still on the holiday and me not.

And the “disaster” was coming the next day for me. I’m not really keen to use the word “disaster”. I prefer to say that was “ujian” Allah. I was sick the next day and it was took many days until last 2 days.

Only last 2 days, I felt much, much better. And only tonight I have courage to switch on my computer.

Next entry I’ll write for what had happened for the rest of the week.

Everything Will Be New ..Again...

Hi,

Almost one week we had been through our new year. For me it is just as same as those days. New Year or not is not a big deal. I even do not have any new resolution(s). I’m not into making any resolution kind of person. Not a really big event for me for every time, when the “New Year” came.

And today, I went to see Abg at his place. We haven’t met since Christmas. I made my mind this morning after I had my short break. I heard from one of my friend, he was so thin now. So I made up my mind to pay a visit.

At lunch time, before he left for Friday prayer, I stopped by to “visit” him. He didn’t know that I’ll come to his place today. I did not call him. He was so busy the moment I arrived there. I came from the back, and I gave him a smile once he turned around.

I asked him how his life is now. As usual, he would answer “okay”. He always okay all the time. Whatever he had or how hard the time he had, he is always says okay. That perseverance he had in himself was I admired most. I really admire him for that.

I know, since the incident before the New Year, was the bad one that he ever had in his life. But until now he’s still keep within himself. I know he was so sad for what had happened to him, but with the strong believe in Allah, he just took it with his open heart. “Tiada yg dijadikan oleh Allah itu sia-sia bagi hambaNya,” he said. There must be hikmah for what had happened. He strongly believes on that. I do agree with him, too.

I was there for about ten minutes. We had a chat. I was asking about the case and the progress. And I noticed that he was looked at me like he had not seen me for ages. He called me few times after I got back from KL. He had asked me to stop by, before the New Year. But I just don’t have a time. I’ve been busy preparing for my work ahead, that time.

I know, he missed me so much. He was so anxious telling me for what he had in Kam’s (his best friend) place last three days. He was in Kamarul’s house last Tuesday. He told me Kam, Zam and Shid were so angry for what had happened to him. They wanted him to take action for this time. And do not give any chance to them. And he told me that they were so agree and wanted to help him in his second marriage plan.

I can’t believe for what I heard, when he said that. I thought he had laid down all that issue. And he just smiles while he told me that he won’t look back. He told me that he had made his step and he will go for it, no matter what from now on. Slowly, he convinced me “I’ll marry you this year, don’t worry”. He admitted that he will never concern if I do not want to continue or refused to keep the relationship as it should be. He will do for what he wanted to do right now and he will work for it, no matter what and no matter how. He said, he will come one day and only that day that I can give my answer.

I know why he acted like that. I think he knows me better by now. He had seen me changed my mind for many times. I’m too weak to face all those circumstances. He asked me not to think about it anymore until the day come. He wants me to let him to organize all by him for the time being. He did not want me to be worry anymore. He knows that for more me thinking (about us); it will be harder for me to take it.

He knows as well, that kakak and the children will be the first thing in my mind when ever I’m thinking about us. The marriage that we want built is not just for two of us, but it would be concern with kakak and the whole family that abg have right now. I don’t want to think about myself only. They have a feeling as well, and I’ going to be sharing their loved one…their father and her husband.

Yes, that was what I wanted to do for the time being. I don’t want to think about it so much. Even at certain time, I felt I wanted to left all those things behind.

Seeing him not give up with his “intention”, I’ve nothing to say about it. It’s all by him now. I won’t do anything and I’ll only can wait and see for what will happen in the future. And so far, everything was almost unconditionally happened. Sometimes, we plan but it would not happen as we planned.

Once again, I leave it to Allah. Allah knows better what is best for HIM and for us.

Anyway, I felt grateful today. Syukur.

And I know, abg still loves me, even much than before. I can see that today.
No matter how bad I’ve done to him for these past few days, but he never changed how he felt towards me. I can see that from the way he talked and looked at me.

How can I let go this kind of man ?

Happy New Year

Hi,

I might be late to wish Happy New Year.

Anyway,

Happy New Year !

I wish and pray there will be better, in everything we do, in this coming year 2006, for me, family and everyone, especially for those I love so much.

And especially to "anonymous" - Happy new Year to you, dear.