Only Two Days....

hi.

I just can stand to try live without abg for only 2 days. Not even complete two days.

I've made my decision to became silent and even tried to be not too lose to abg. Mean that I don't wanna make a call or receive a call frequently as happened lately. Abg had called me at least 5 times at daytime and twice at night. That was at least. Sometimes, more than that. Especially when he spent night at his sister's place or hotel, I would called him and mostly we will spent about an hour on the phone. Sometimes more than that !

So that after last Sunday, I felt that I;ve made a mistake. I should not let myself drowing. Due to that I've asked mama whether I'm doing the right thing or not.

Since that, on Monday I determined to do the daily things that I used to do with abg, especially the phone-thing. Even, I made up my mind not to let myself to see abg again at the moment. I know to stop to do something that I used to do and love to do are really hard one.

So that, I switched off my mobile phone on monday and yesterday. I'm really sympathy once I heard abg's voice message last night. Due to that I switched on my mobile this early morning once I woke up.

Why. Why I do that?

I felt that I can go through this. Even at time I reallt felt that I'm really ready for that.

But now the situation is change. When I saw abg was so serious, it's looked like he wanted to settle down in few weeks times.

The thing that I've been thinking but not too serious lately is my family, especially abah. I had a talk with my second brother yesterday. He knows abg. He also agreed with mama. He had a thought that abah might be agreed with my choice but depends on abg's situation. Abg was afraid that he would be denied by abah because of his age and his job that he's working on right now. But on my opinion that would not be the main problem.

The matter is, the situation right now between himself , kakak and the whole family. Abg had told me as well that his first sister, brothers and other siblings had agreed with him, even supported him to proceed (to marry me).

But, I'm prefer that he settle all the things that related to kakak. Kakak had sent a letter to khadi's office seeking for fasakh. And there are so many things...had happened lately. So, in this situation, if abg come over and ask for my hand, I don't think so abah will let me go with him.

Sometimes, I felt so helpless. Plus, when mama asked me to think deeply into it. Mama might not understand if she hear from my lips. That is why I prefer abg meet and tell her for what he feels for me right now. I want mama and uncle A know that abg is really mean it.

Anyway, I won't give up. Even it's sometimes it's really really make me so sad. I just can't think at time.

I will continue pray that Allah will lead us to the right track. That was what I;m always telling abg. The most important is Allah'd decision, not us.

Semahu manapun kita tapi tiada izinNya juga tidaklah dapat juga kami bersama. Namun kami berdoa, agar di limpahi rahmat ke atas kami dan diberi rezeki untuk kami hidup bersama sebagai suami isteri , satu hari nanti. Amin

Far or Near

hi,

due to the meeting with abg last sunday, I felt really guilty till today.

I've off my mobile phone since this morning. I was sent him one sms in the morning. he called me 5 times in the morning and four times in this afternoon. He left 3 voice messages and I reply him once.

Well, apa nak jadi?

Do i sound helpless?

I asked mama yesterday about me and abg. About my relationship
She replied every message from me. I can’t stand for feeling very guilty for what I’ve done last Sunday. I’m not supposed to go meet him that day. I was with him last 2 weeks, but I did it again last Sunday.

Mama is my mother’s third sister. She is the closest one to me right now. She is the one who I can turn to when come to this kind of matter. Mama had advised me which I’ve expected what she would say to me.

Due to the advised as well, I became quiet today. I told mama, I will let abah know when there’s come the right time. What make me sms mama?

Abg had told his wishes to me last Sunday night. He really wants to marry me. He really meant it. We made a plan. I asked him to see mama and uncle A. I can trust them. I can’t tell abah by myself. I can’t. I’m not strong to do that. That was my weakness.

Acik asked me to tell abah all about us. But I told her that I need her and uncle A to do that for me. Abg had agreed that he can meet them.

But for the while, I prefer to be silent.

Sunday Again

hello...

I just came back. Came back from seeing abg.

We had a dinner 75 km away from home tonight.
I'm a bit tired after a full busy weekend.

It was unplanned as usual. I just left home at 6.30 pm.
Had a good time.
Chat about how we started met, years ago.

I never know that he was been "eyeing" on me since that long time.
He laughed when I told that his first daugther used to call me 'kakak" last time.
He told me that he was too afraid to get near me 5 years ago.

Well, everything is change now.

Can't see him everyweek. I have to do something. It was like I'm the one yg dah tak tahan dengan godaan now.

Saturday Then Came Sunday

Hello.

About the result, the case was not over yet.

Last Sunday, I met abg again. This time just two of us. I know completely why I’ve been acted like that.

I was in S last Saturday for one family gathering. There was a small ceremony organized by one of my aunt in her house. And due to that, she invited few close relatives that stayed around. And another surprised came up that day, when one of the long lost aunt came over that day too. She was my father’s third cousins. And another surprised came out later when she expressed her intention to come over to my place in this coming few days for “merisik”.

The news was spread instantly the moment she left the gate. (lol). Everybody there was made jokes on me soon they heard the news. We had a “great” joy with lots lots of laugh. That was my character. I won’t show my feeling especially when I’m sad or mad.

The potential guy was my cousin’s junior in…one boarding school in KL. He works somewhere in one of the oil company. I know he is a bright one…mean, got brain. Most of my aunts and cousins were really happy with that news and straightly agree and like the guy. But, anyway, who is going to marry this guy, me or them???

Well, for myself, I was shocked when my aunt told me about it. She said, he was saw me during one of the wedding that we had attended, last Chinese New Year somewhere in February. Well, not bad right? I thought people would not look at me anymore. I know that I’m getting old. People may look at girl that age 25 not 35 like me..hehehehhe.

I sms abg an hour after that. I told him I got a bad news. And he instantly called me. But I didn’t tell him shortly. I told him that I will tell him once I got home. And the fact is, at the same time, I am not sure I want to tell him or not. Even I don’t have any idea how to break the news.

I got home at 8pm. He called me another 5 minutes after that. I still can’t find any words how to tell him. Until minutes, later I just simply said, someone wanna come over to “merisik”. He just said “AllahuAkhbar”. I can hear his voice. He was quiet for few seconds. Then he continued said that he will accept whatever decision that I will make later.

Atually this is not the first time for me. I’ve gone through same situation three years back, when I’m with Z. For myself, I’m not felt nervous or anything else. Even I’ve told mama ya before I left S, that I will have no doubt to say NO, if they come. And I told abg the same thing, even though if I’m not with him right now, I’ll make the same decision.

I know, you might think that I’m look so arrogant or so confident.

But that is the reality. I know for what I want. Dida gave me some advises when she heard about it. She asked me to think carefully and many times. She said, this might be the right time for me. I know. I will make the istiharah prayer. I will look for Allah’s help. I know and I’m strongly believed that Allah will guide me.

And due to that, on Sunday, without a plan, I met abg again. This time was by my choice. I was the one who asked him out that day. I had a short nap that evening and moment I woke up at 6pm, I called him and we made the short plan.

I drove 30 minutes from here and we met at Bandar T. I parked his car there and he moved in to my car. Together we left to Bandar MT. I drove and he sat beside. It was about another one and a half hour journey. We prayed at the most popular mosque at that town. I’ve heard that mosque for many times because there is one most popular guru there and I’m very lucky that, that day I had an opportunity to perform my solat there.

Completed our solat, we continued for another half an hour journey to had our dinner. Been away out from town was really great. There was no people know us. We can talk and chat without looking around, to check whether there are people may know or recognize us.

We had talked into so many things. I can see his face very clearly. Because previously when I was with Dida, I can’t look at him all the times. And for the first time, I can see that he is a good looking man. He looked so sweet. I like his eyes and especially when he smiles. He’s not looked like in 50’s.

We got back home at 11pm. We reached here again at almost 11.30pm.

Nice date.
I had a bad day on Saturday, but I had the good one on Sunday. : )

I missed him now.

14th March 2006

hi,

It is so hot today.

I can't do anything even I'm in the air conditioned room.

I'm waiting for abg for the "result".

He went to court again this morning for the last time. The case will be close today. And the result will be known soon.

I can't wait.

Think

hi.

I saw abg today. He looked so thin. He got fever lately, especially during the night time. His meal time was totally not on time anymore. There was no proper lunch even the breakfast. I’ve told him to looked over his meal, but he never listen. He had used double energy to do all the works, through out the day, but he never has a complete nutrition to replace it. He complaint that he felt so weak, especially in the late evening.

He complaint that he felt “warm” at his back, since last Monday at almost every evening. Well, he might want to tell me something “wee wee”. But I told him not to think negative. Be think positive. I know his not the kind of man that believes in that “mystery” thing.

Even he had told me last week, that since he got back home, kakak always got back late at night. Even at one day, she only at home at 2am.

Yesterday, I’ve told him not to just sit and see for what happen in front him. I’ve remind him to “advice” kakak, when needed about her responsibility. He cannot let kakak do for what ever she wants to do. A wife is still a wife till the thing settle down. She cannot protest in this kind of way.

Well, until today, sometimes, myself got mad at the situation. She did wrong towards her husband. Even she hates for what her husband doing right now, anyhow, she got NO right to say anything.

I’m reminding myself as well. I got no right as well, if in the future, if he wants to get marry another one. I might sound arrogant here, but that is the reality.

Am I sounding mad?

Well, I got feeling as well. I felt so sorry for kakak. I know she suffered so much, for so long. But she cannot act like this. She should know better than me. Is she wants to defense her marriage she got to make an effort for it. But for what I’ve seen lately, she is really wants the divorce to happen. She really wants to live separately with abg, forever.