I Suppose Know.....

Hi..

Thanks Sakura.

It's really help me... a lot !

I started my day with not really in good mood today. I had a long working hour also today. I noticed myself being quite reserved for the past few days I came back from my out station. I guess people in the office were noticed that too.

I smelled Z today . ( what was that !!!!!!!!!) Am I sound crazy...now. hahahahaha. But yes, it was really happened this afternoon.

Suddenly in the middle of the meeting, when I was really giving my full attention to what boss was talked just now, I " smelled" him !.

I know this would be difficult for me. People may say I can't live in my past. I have to learn how to let go and forget. It was not easy, you know. It was not...really easy to do. If you never came across the situation (any situation) it's just better you keep silent then giving advice. I convey that message to my few friends out there who are really knew me in person. And some of the relatives (cousins, aunts and grandmas as well). Well, I can't stop these people to talk. They can say what ever they what and therefore I have to learn how to manage it. I am not deaf, because sometimes, its hurting.

I am not mean you..sakura. We were in the same boat...i guess.

I've been thinking for what sakura wrote in her comment. Initially I'm not hate "man". But eventually, I feel, deep inside ..sometimes..I do have a thought that they're really suck !

Since I know Z, I never look around. I've been with him for almost 10 years. Everything was changed when I know that he is married. I was trying to leave him in 2005 once I know that he's still with his wife. I know that he was saparated when we met at the first time.

Then, abg came by. Actually I am the one who started it. I know abg long time ago. I can say that since I leave school. Some of the family know him. But till today they did not know that I "had" a relationship with abg.

At first, I get to start with abg because of one reason. I wanted to get rid of Z. Abg is like an old friend turn to be close friend and..lover. "lover"..I don't know. I love him. I love abg for his patience. I like the way he took the problems.

It was doing well, until mid last year when Z came over again. I have to admit that I am really really can't forget him. I just can't help myself to get rid of him. I was too weak and not that much strong to fight my feeling.

Since that I have face another problem. See...It all was really my fault. How stupid am I, right???? I started date with Z again and just "pretend" that I'm still seeing a " single dad". Even, in fact that time, I know that he is married and I know that he has a wife.

Time goes by until I saw the kids. That moment was really make feel so bad. I was felt guilty for taking theirs father's time with me. Thinking of the good moments and everything we had during our meeting was giving me so much pain when I saw the kids. I should not asked Z to go with me and left them behind, especially on weekend.

So, I make my mind. Leave him. For good this time. No matter what. I hope I will manage to stick on my decision.

And in the other hand, I'm trying to get myself to keep a barrier between me and abg. It's just that I think he is too good for me. And I give up on him , because I think he has much responsibility towards his family. I been thinking that the whole of the family were need him badly. I'm taking back all the plans, dream or what ever I wanted to do with him including to be his wife, just because of that.

All that were called off.

And......I don't want to think about man..at the moment. I don't feel want to look for another..replacement...or what so ever. I feel OK..for being like this at the moment. Even sometimes, it's really bad especially when I feel very empty and lonely.

I cried..sometimes. Whenever I thought about those sweet days, I cried.
Whenever I thought for the experience I had with abg as well, I cried.

Anyway, I was blessed as well. I do grateful to God that God gave me Z for only for few years, but I do feel happy. And the opportunity to know abg as well. I've learn many things especially in religion knowledge. Abg thought me to be more patience, grateful and thankful for whatever God gave us.

I do hope, that someday, I might get in love again. Hopefully.