To Anonymous

Dear anonymous (you know who you are)..

I wonder, if you have a blog too. Mind to share with me?

I wonder...I just wonder.
I wish that I can read your blog. I used to read many blogs on the net, and it was came across in my mind, that I might had read yours. :)

One Moment

Hi,

It’s Friday again.
I was really busy till I don’t have a time to write at least an entry this week. But anyway, I’ve made up my mind that I have to write, at least something.

I’ve been busy, but the mean time, I was missing my time for reading and writing here. I got so many things to write in, but we will see, what will come out shortly.

Well, at the same day last week, I was with abg, again. I was with him preciously when I as traveled almost an hour with dida to reach him, out from this town. And last week, again, I was with him and having such a good dinner together. We had traveled another an hour to the place. Had a good time and had talked into so many things.

Now, abg is still live separately with kakak. It was almost 2 weeks now. He only got home in the afternoon to see his beloved son. And almost every night since that day he would end up spending his night whether in his sister’s place or hotel.

Kakak is still as the same as before. Not much changing. She might felt easy without abg around. She never asked him to come back home or never mentioned abt it anymore. Sae goes to the little girl, she never bother her father anymore.

I was quite worried with the situation recently. Abg was telling me that he will going to stay like this for another few weeks. He still sad for what they’ve did to him. He never wanted to listen anymore to what people around said about him and his family. People know almost everything now. But I’m always told abg just be patience for the time being.

By the meantime abg was preparing himself for his visiting to tanah suci, in April. I was happy and shed y tears when I heard that he’s going to perform him umrah. I told him, that was the good decision, especially in this critical moment. The fully fourteen days will be the good time for him to find his own time. I pray that Allah will help him to go through everything easily there.

For myself, I felt that I’m getting comfortable, at this moment. Nothing much changes as well. The feeling is still there. Maybe not strong enough, but I’m quite ready for anything coming shortly. Well, I do like him much more than before, but I’m still got the awareness not to go beyond the limit.

I felt much lucky that I’ve someone is about so care about me. I felt contented when I have him to talk to sometimes, when I’m so down. Felt happy, that he was there, whenever I need someone to call. Well, I’m much lucky, than before. Anyway I never still had any regret for the past. I’m still grateful for what Allah gave me for throughout many years.

I’m getting “stronger”, I guess. He taught me a lot. Especially about life. Well, I gained knowledge. I know much than before. He taught me, the proper way into being a good muslim. I am happy. At least I have a guideline. I’m really grateful to Allah for this.

I’m still praying. And I will keep praying. InsyaAllah. Someday, we will be together, with the bless from Allah. Amin.

PMs

Hi,

I’m not really feeling well today. I had my menses today. My irregular period problem really gives my hard time, sometimes.

I felt so weak and tied the whole day today. And I even forgot my afternoon meeting today. I went off home right after lunch time. I really need a rest. And I’m only realized that I had to attend one meeting at 2.30pm .

Abg also did not called me as usual. I’ve been waiting since 6p today but still no in coming call. Until at 10pm just now, he called me. He knows that I’m not feeling well, but he doesn’t know for what reason.

I’m still not open in the matter like this with him. Well, I did tell him some but not all of those health problems I’m still feel shy to tell him about sensitive things like that. Even, sometimes, I just felt that when we wanted to develop the relationship, so we have to be open and feel free to talk or discuss about it.

Maybe not for this time. I’m still being more careful than before. Not all the things I want to tell him, until the right time. Even sometimes, I just can’t help myself to tell and share all the problems. Especially when I had my PMS. I’m really felt down, but I can’t “manja” with him.

Well, I don’t know what to say. Suddenly I fell I want a hug, a big hug.

I need to lie down. Will be write again. : )

I'm Meeting Abg Yesterday

Hi..

: )

I met abg yesterday. In the late evening. Abg was in his way back to here, when I met him. The last I met him was last year, if I’m not mistaken. He left yesterday morning at 7am. I saw him on the way to my workplace.

As usual, it was not planned. And I’m really busy yesterday until 5.30pm. Only after that I can leave the office. Whereby abg had finished his business by 1pm. He asked me to come, but I forgot that I have meeting in the afternoon. So, I can’t make it again this time.

He sent messages for many times. I’ve told him that I might not make it to see him. But, it was changed when I read his last message.

I sent the message to him : “*** tak leh nak janji, tunggu sampai abis mesyuarat” (I can’t make a promise right now, not till the end of the meeting”.)

He replied: “Abg tau *** tak akan dtg, tak pe lah” (I know you won’t come. It’s okay).

My heart melted when I read that message. I felt really tired especially it was a very hectic day yesterday. I got home at 6pm. I called Dida, if she wanted to go to Bandar T. But I didn’t tell her my agenda. She, as usual, always never refused my invitation. Half hour than that, off we left to Bandar T.

So, with Dida I’m heading to Bandar T. We arrived there sharp 7.20pm. Dida was surprised that I’m going to meet abg. But it was not a big deal for her, because I know, Dida will have her own time for shopping. After together we completed our solat Maghrib, we split. I went off with abg and she went for her own. I promised her I won’t take no longer than an hour.

So, for the third time, I met abg. Wait….is it third time? Well, I still can remember for how many times I have met him. First, we was somewhere near the beach. Second, we went to down south. Third, with Dida, which the first time I introduced abg to Dida. And yesterday…fourth…not third. : )

Well, I must write in here for every time I met him.

Okay. I’m preferred to meet him at night, so I felt I’m much safer. Safer in the mean that I might not be seen by anyone. Well, having a relationship with someone’s husband is not that easy. Especially person like abg, which I think so many people know him. I cannot blame myself for this. Well, I choose want to stay (for the moment) so, I have to face all those consequences. Right back, I really have to think, for TO BE OR NOT TO BE.

When it comes to this kind of thing, like meeting him, I got to be very careful. Once I make a mistake, off I’m gone!! I have to ask him where his daughters and kakak at that time. Just to make sure they are not around the place we are. Even I have to ask him to check whether he’s been followed or not. I will make sure as well, that we only go to the places that his family and people who may know us, were impossible to be there too. So, the best place is somewhere is far and not many people around, like small town or village. Even when we were in the car, I’m too scared when he stopped at the traffic light. I’m scared if, there will be someone that might know us next to our car.

Abg always told me not to think so much about that. It’s not all the time people want to look at us, he said. He never cares, if people he knows see us. But I do. Since the gossips were been keep going from mouth to mouth, I felt that everyone has know about us. It’s just that they’re waiting for the lucky time to see who the “woman” is.

It was really hard, right? Well, I still can manage it. That is why I’m preferred not to see him. I got to keep it for the time being. While abg always remind me, do not to be scared of people, but must be scared of Allah to come first.

Anyway, I’m human. Sometimes, I do feel want to be with him. Going out for tea or dinner. Having chats and so on. But I can’t. The situation is not allow me to do it. I have to be patience. And I know, with the blessing from Allah, I will get it some days. InsyaAllah.

Back to the story with abg, we just had a ride in his car. We just talked, about kakak and his daughters and the family matters. Well, just a plain talk and an hour later he sent me back to Dida. We went back home together, but in different car. We stopped by at Dida’s favorites place for dinner and abg was straight back home.

And abg was really happy. I can see it from his face. He’s been suffered for so long. Kakak did not serve him as he deserved it. Even he told me that many of his best friends, from the religion class were not longer agreed with his action. While, I’m still telling him, to be more patience and the happiness will follow sooner or later.

And for me, it was a double happiness. I made his day yesterday. And I’m happy that I know that I’ve made him happy even for only an hour.

As I wrote here previously, I’ve been missing him lately and yesterday at least it eases the pain of that feeling.

I know, I’ve become love him more and more. Until time will let us know.

Feeling

hi,

I just want to write something about "feeling".

I've read a comment just now, that anonymous had asked me to call abg if I missed him. I did. But I didn't told him that I miss him.

I admitted, what I'm having (the situation) with abg right now,was very different compared I had with Z before. I do not have any intention to compare between abg and Z. It will be definitely different.

I've wrote that I missed abg. And I really mean it. I do really missed him.
Then I called him. But I didn't tell him that I missed him.

I remember those days, I do say it over and over without fail, everyday.
For me, I got to tell him that I miss him..in the morning, afternoon and evening.
"I love you". That was the three words I used to say to him.

But, at the present, I was hardly to say it to abg. Even I miss him, but when ever we were on the phone, it was so hard for me to convey it to him. Even sometimes, I've planned that I'm gonna so say it...but auntil the last word, I can't. Shyness. Yes, I am shy to tell him.

With abg, I'm still looking after my "adab". I'm still not to say everything that I want to say easily. Not that mean I want to be hypocrite. It's just that I want to be as good as I can.

As I said, I'm in the process. I want everything in good. Everthing that will be going in good manner. No more hanky panky. Even the sweet talks. I don't want to make the same mistake.

So, that is the price I have to pay, right? So, even though I missed him, I will just keep inside. But I think, he knows that.

And, even right now, while I'm writing this, I do feel miss him.

I miss you abg. : )

I Miss Him

hello..

I miss abg.
Even I hate to say.
But the fact is, I do miss him.

Never Give Up

Hello.

What a “short” holidays. I wish that we can continue till end of this week. Anyway, work is work; everybody has to go tomorrow except for those in Wilayah.

I had a great of holidays as well. Even I just stayed at home for the past of three days, but it’s still okay, because we have full house for the rest of the straight three days. Making people came to my house was a pleasure to me. I love to be around with my respective relatives, especially when comes to long holidays.

Anything can be done. Preparing for the breakfast, lunch, tea time and dinner together was the best moments when everyone was around. Not mention about “story telling” session. From the small story till the big one, even some were not related to any of us. Anyway, what else we an expect when women get together at one time.

And for me, I just felt a bit “weird” and sometimes felt “lonely” though many people around.

Abg got back to home. I know, he won’t be longer leave the house. I can say that. He’s really responsible. He knows his responsible towards kakak, and the children. I’ve reminded him as well, not to leave more than three days. Even if he managed to control his anger as soon than three days, I advised him to go home.

Even kakak was changed a bit too. She started to talk, much friendly, I guess. She started to do her routine, which she had “forgotten” for quit sometimes. Even, today abg told me, she had changed her attire. I wish she really wanted to change for good, this time. I heard as well, all the children were at home too. Plus the relatives (abg’s sister and brothers) were there too.

I’ve told abg, we have to believe strongly, Allah had said “there will come easiness after the difficulties”. I will continue to pray that he will get for what he had dreamed for so long. He deserves it.

In the other hand, I felt that, my mission is almost come to the end. I’ve been thinking last night, after my Isya’ prayer. I’ve been sitting and thinking, that how great Allah, that Allah gave me a chance to meet him year ago. Even there are so many hard times, but I believe it were full of hikmah.

But for abg, he was going through it for more than years, before we close to each other. I’m grateful to Allah, that with that meeting, abg coincidently felt much calmer than before. I’m very sure about that. Even abg had admitted that he felt so easy with me. So that I think that he can think much positively. Especially when the time that he needs to take any decisions.

How great Allah, right? Allah Almighty.

For me, I should think again to proceed. When everything has been okay, why I should interfere. I should leave abg with his family. But I don’t want to tell him about that. Because abg will not agree with me. He was telling me for so many times, for any how, even kakak will be get better and better, he still wants to marry me.

Love. I did not deny it. Yes, the feeling is there. Even it is still not strong enough, but I do admit as well, that I like (love) him. But I do not want to put high expectation on that matter. I prefer to take easy in this kind of matter. Yes, of course I want to get married, but not to rush in.

Especially, when it come to this moment. When I see that everything seems getting back on the right track, it will be bad if me do the other way round. Their happiness is my happiness too. I should be happy. And I am happy.

And I want to feel happy as well, not to think about to be with abg too.
I am thinking to back off. But I don’t know how.
I know abg will get up set if I tell him about this. He is never wanted to be apart from me. Never, he said.

Well….life is not easy.
But I will never give up.

Dear Allah, please guide me till the end of my life.