An Evening with An Offer

hi,

I managed to dicipline myself in Z case. We haven't meet for the past 3months plus, i guess. I think I can keep continue till the end.

But until yesterday evening Z came in with an offer. Offer? I prefer say an invitation. He invited me to go to a place that I and him wanted to go long time ago. During our couple time, we had so many dreams and plans. One of it is been to the one of the most beautiful island. Yesterday, he came with that idea. I was about to say "yes" the moment he invites me. But, politely I asked him to give me for another day to confirm it. Actually I just wanted to decline it politely. So that I'm not reply it instantly.

Of course, I wanna take the offer. I asked Z, why after all the sudden he came out with that idea. And he simply said " I just wanna be with you". And Z, I think he knows me by know. The moment I told him that I'll give him my word in another day, he just said " it's doesn't matter that I'll give the answer by today or by tomorrow, if I've made up my mind. See, he can read me, very well. He just know as well, that I was tried to be polite to him. He knows, that I won't accept his invitation.

I wish I can go. Even I'm almost to give the answer right away. No, I won't do that. I cried. Sometimes, I do like a fool. I just wanna make myself look a fool. I even cannot makeup my mind. What else I want from Z. I should forgetting him by now. Immediately. Do not to think about him anymore. Not wanting to spend time with him anymore. To share what ever I want to share, or not to do anything that what I had before. I have to leave it behind, and start to look forward. Unluckily, sometimes, I was just same as jelly. Too fragile. Always loose to such thing like that. Hey...8 years are not easy to skip just like that. I promise, I will try, anyhow.

I don't dare to tell abg about that. Even sometimes, he kept remind me not to do the same mistake. Not to find Z anymore, no matter what. Only if he knows that I still contact Z, even on the net, I think he would be upset. Totally upset. I don't want to make him upset.

Kakak was tried to contact me, for many time. She still called me everyday, at least once. But I'm still not to answer it. I prefer to off my mobile phone. Abg had asked me not to use the number anymore. Yet, I agreed with him. Coz, I can't take the situation whenever kakak called or sms me. I would be frighten and scared, and it would effected my daily life. If I read her sms, I will get scared, and started to avoid and ignored abg. By now, he said, do not to think it so hard. He was so sure that everything will be in control. He wanted to discuss about the conditions that kakak had listed. And I'm only can pray, again and again, that everything will be ok. InsyaAllah.

I would not say that I'm good, while kakak was not. Abg admit that he loves me for no reason, but I know why. It is something that anyone can't explain. We can't explain or give such a good reason for why we love someone. It's universal. Even, I think I'm still not love abg as much as he loves me. Being easy with me made him looked that he can;t live without me anymore. But, for many times, I've remind him, this would not be our job, I'll leave it to Allah. Still, as I like to say, what the best for Allah, would be the best for my life, I am very sure about that !

He was been watching me for too long. He was been dream of me for such a long time as well. It's just he don;t have a chance until months ago. Well, once it;s in his and I beleive he won;t let it go just like that. He won't. He really wanted to live and take care of me. Those were what he promised to me. I should be grateful for that. I'm truly blessed. Thank you God.

Abg, I'll try my best to make our dream come true.

I wanna live with you too. I want. I really want. Stay. Ya Allah, tetapkan hati ku.

The offer...? Of course, thank you Z. I really appreciate it. But I can't. I'm in the process to be a someone's wife. To be abg's wife. To be a good wife.

Amin.