Hello..Is It Me You Looking For?

hi..

First of all I want to thanks Zita and sakura for coming and spend their time reading my blog.
I was touched when I got the message from Zita. I hope you are doing well now. I'm sorry for not being with you when you were down. Be strong zita, insyaAllah everything will be back to normal.

I was thinking as well, everytime I finish read those comments from them. Both sakura dan zita were very supportive. I can't imagine if I'm sharing this my experience out there, I don't think people will support me. Otherwise they might say that I've been fooled.

Thank you pals.

I received a phone call today ...in my workplace!

I went back early. Something is bothering me. I never give my office number to anyone as far as I'm concern. And I did not apply any credit card or loan or member for any club or association recently. But there was a call.

What was bother me is, who is the caller. Because at the moment I took the phone the line was cut off. The clerk said, there was a man with soft voice wanted to talk to me. He mentioned my name correctly. So that she called me. (I was outside by that time). It only took 3 minutes and the line was cut off. It was really puzzled me. But initially, I have "someone" in my mind, once I put down the phone.

Anyway, I don't want to think about that seriously. My colleague (there's one quite close to me)know about Z and me. Even she thought him once she picked up the phone. Let I named her KM. KM knows about me and Z but not in details. She's the only one that I can talk and share in my workplace. Since she's much older than me and with her motherly way of thinking, I'm quite comfortable with her.

Well, if I'm not looking for him, he will looking back for me. I hope I'm much much stronger this time. I have to be strict to my desicion that I've made.

Besides, since I got the call just now (even I don't know whom is calling) , it remind me to something. IF..i said..IF...If Z called me..what did he want from me?

Did he missed me? Or just want to make sure that I'm still alive. I know he might get worried after sometimes I've did not sms or called him. Because most of the time, when we were fight, it would only took a week. After that, I'm always the one who started to call him back. Because he had know that I can't keep silent not longer than a week.

I know his office contact number. Even at time, I was really can't help myself from dialing the number. Even it was just only to say "hi" or ask his condition, since I know that he is not in good health lately. But I hold it back. I cannot do that. I MUST not do that. And I hope that he does not come back, as well.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Be Thankful.

Bismillahirahmanirrahim.

Dear Allah, I’m very thankful to YOU for what YOU had given to me for all those years until today. I pray to YOU Allah, please lead me to the right way. Please do not stop to give your rahmat and I believe only YOU that can take a good care of me and the rest of us this world. Amin.

When I sit here typing my new entry, there must be something that I want to write on. One of the intention I started my blog in 2005, is I think this is a good place that I can “throw” myself whenever I can’t turn to anyone else.

I can write what ever I want to write. I can say what I ever I want to say and felt. Even I can blow my anger, and retell all those sweet fairy tales that I had. I might not tell or share all the things or experiences that I had in my life, even to my best friend. But I can do that here. J

Blog is really my place now. It might get sakura and zeeta feel bored after a while. I’m sorry pal. Anyway, thanks for the thought and those points of view.

Hey, I don’t have dating session in this coming time. Ouch! That was awful. I know I will miss those dating things. But I can write here. Frankly, I did feel jealous; you know when I’m seeing people dating. LOL.

Am I going to have it..again..? hehehehe.. I don’t know. I hope so.

I’ve been thinking that I might not do all that dating-mating session anymore. I feel good enough for what I had, I guess. I had many great times and moments. I just think that if it happens again, it will not be going the same anymore. Mestilah tak sama..kan?

Was that sound I’m still living in my past?

Well, I don’t care. I know what I do and what I want. We will see the progress from here. Who knows, I might meet someone next week…Someone new, I mean ….hahahahaha.

I DON”T THINK SO !!

But I don't want to be arrogant. I do take whatever Allah give me. InsyaAllah.

I Suppose Know.....

Hi..

Thanks Sakura.

It's really help me... a lot !

I started my day with not really in good mood today. I had a long working hour also today. I noticed myself being quite reserved for the past few days I came back from my out station. I guess people in the office were noticed that too.

I smelled Z today . ( what was that !!!!!!!!!) Am I sound crazy...now. hahahahaha. But yes, it was really happened this afternoon.

Suddenly in the middle of the meeting, when I was really giving my full attention to what boss was talked just now, I " smelled" him !.

I know this would be difficult for me. People may say I can't live in my past. I have to learn how to let go and forget. It was not easy, you know. It was not...really easy to do. If you never came across the situation (any situation) it's just better you keep silent then giving advice. I convey that message to my few friends out there who are really knew me in person. And some of the relatives (cousins, aunts and grandmas as well). Well, I can't stop these people to talk. They can say what ever they what and therefore I have to learn how to manage it. I am not deaf, because sometimes, its hurting.

I am not mean you..sakura. We were in the same boat...i guess.

I've been thinking for what sakura wrote in her comment. Initially I'm not hate "man". But eventually, I feel, deep inside ..sometimes..I do have a thought that they're really suck !

Since I know Z, I never look around. I've been with him for almost 10 years. Everything was changed when I know that he is married. I was trying to leave him in 2005 once I know that he's still with his wife. I know that he was saparated when we met at the first time.

Then, abg came by. Actually I am the one who started it. I know abg long time ago. I can say that since I leave school. Some of the family know him. But till today they did not know that I "had" a relationship with abg.

At first, I get to start with abg because of one reason. I wanted to get rid of Z. Abg is like an old friend turn to be close friend and..lover. "lover"..I don't know. I love him. I love abg for his patience. I like the way he took the problems.

It was doing well, until mid last year when Z came over again. I have to admit that I am really really can't forget him. I just can't help myself to get rid of him. I was too weak and not that much strong to fight my feeling.

Since that I have face another problem. See...It all was really my fault. How stupid am I, right???? I started date with Z again and just "pretend" that I'm still seeing a " single dad". Even, in fact that time, I know that he is married and I know that he has a wife.

Time goes by until I saw the kids. That moment was really make feel so bad. I was felt guilty for taking theirs father's time with me. Thinking of the good moments and everything we had during our meeting was giving me so much pain when I saw the kids. I should not asked Z to go with me and left them behind, especially on weekend.

So, I make my mind. Leave him. For good this time. No matter what. I hope I will manage to stick on my decision.

And in the other hand, I'm trying to get myself to keep a barrier between me and abg. It's just that I think he is too good for me. And I give up on him , because I think he has much responsibility towards his family. I been thinking that the whole of the family were need him badly. I'm taking back all the plans, dream or what ever I wanted to do with him including to be his wife, just because of that.

All that were called off.

And......I don't want to think about man..at the moment. I don't feel want to look for another..replacement...or what so ever. I feel OK..for being like this at the moment. Even sometimes, it's really bad especially when I feel very empty and lonely.

I cried..sometimes. Whenever I thought about those sweet days, I cried.
Whenever I thought for the experience I had with abg as well, I cried.

Anyway, I was blessed as well. I do grateful to God that God gave me Z for only for few years, but I do feel happy. And the opportunity to know abg as well. I've learn many things especially in religion knowledge. Abg thought me to be more patience, grateful and thankful for whatever God gave us.

I do hope, that someday, I might get in love again. Hopefully.

Take A Rest

hi,

There are not much that I want to write. I'm not in the mood to write and tell, at the moment.

By the way, I am totally break off with Z. I don't think that Z would call me in the future.

With a little effort i managed to get his home address. I went there and everything was seen clearly. I saw the 2 daughthers and two boys play in the porch. I can't stay with him any longer since that day.

I was felt really bad for taking so much time from them. They are still kids. That was never came accross my mind that he still got small kids. Anyway, it's over now. I do hope that he will never call or come and start all over again.

Bye, bye Z. For good this time.

And at the same time, I just feel don't have any mood to think about "man" in my life. I was felt really tired. I'm not regret it yet, it just I felt so tired. I wanna get a rest and get some peace of my mind.

I am still try, quite hard to make a distant between abg and me. Deep inside I felt that we can't be together, especially to be husband and wife. There are thousand things to be rethink in order to make us live together.

Anyway, there is still a hope. I am still want to be with someone, somedays. But I just don't want to think about it at the moment.

I do felt lonely, being left even sometimes been cheating but, hey..that's life !!

I forgive Z for what he had done. He might have a good reason for being such like that. And of course I'll be grateful for such wonderful time that we had together for the past 10 years.

I'm not perfect as well. I do make mistake and sometimes I hurt someone's feeling as well.

DO I really Have To Choose

Hi,

It is really great that I have a blog. When I read my previous entries, it would bring all the memories. Even some remind me the date precisely.

Once I had wrote about me and Z when we were in Genting. That was few months after I getting to know abg. We were not much close that time, but we were getting to know each other better.

In fact by the time I was really wanted to left everything about Z behind. No looking back. I was really wanted to forget everything what we had together. Everything! Not even single thing I want to remember.

Time goes by.

I’m much get closer with abg. At one time I can remember that Z was almost lost his mind. Especially when he started to find me at my work place. But still I can manage how to keep the barrier.

In other hand, abg and I were getting really close. He always shared everything that he needs to share. By the time, the marriage is seems come to the end. Anyhow, I’m never fail to convince him that the marriage is still relevant. They needed each other. Well, it was quite hard for me. For those who read my blog might have many interpretations. Some might said, I’m the one who make their relation came to end. Or else, some might be pity on me. I should not be the third party. Even my best buddy, said that abg divorce his wife purposely because of me. Anyway, I don’t think that I need to explain to everybody for what I’ve gone through. She will never understand. Sincerely, for all the time since I know and getting closer to him, I’ve been a good listener to him, I was NEVER asked him to leave kakak, not to divorce her. Until, the court sends a remand, abg can’t take it anymore. It was showed very clear that kakak really wanted it. Even until that time, I never gave any comment, even I’ve told him to hold on and discuss with kakak professionally, without emotion.

Thing came to the end. They divorced.

It was hard for them. Even at one time, when I sat alone, I’ve been thinking for what I’ve done to them. I started felt guilty and mad at my own self. This won’t be happen if I cut off from the start. I should see the sign. It was late already.

By the mean time, Z came along. I met Z few times after a while.

I’ve been acted stupidly only to make abg angry at me. I was trying to tell him, to get back together with kakak again. Until today.

One thing came across my mind. If I’m love him (abg), I can’t keep continue acting like this. I’ve been confused as well. I’ve wrote in my previous entry, the feeling I had towards abg is different for what I had for Z.

I don’t like compare. It is not fair for them. Both of them have advantage in many different ways. But, to have this unsure feeling was really irritating sometimes. “Unsure” maybe is not the right word. But I can feel the feeling and only me that know what such feeling that I had for both of them.

I love abg. I love Z. But initially in different way.

I Am Still Standing Still

Hi...

Thanks for the time reading my blog.
I'm still here dear. Life has to goes on. I've read the comment. And thanks again for your thoughts. It's really help.....a lot.

Abg and me still....on. This might get you suprised. I'm tried to make a barrier between him and me. Well, when the real time come...I became not so sure. How "bloodyfull" I am. See??

Abg had proposed me and that was really made me terrified !! I was like been awake from a dream. But I'm aware that I'm in a real life. I am not dreaming at all. I still can't keep my mind from thinking about kakak and thier children. They must hate me very very much for the thing was getting worst till their parents had divorced. Even I can't forgive myself, as well. I've never couraged abg to jatuhkan talak. And the thing happened. Abg had convinced me that was not anyone decision, accept that was fated. He was assured me that he was not been influence by me or by anyone. She was wanted for that for so long.

Hence, I've been thinking that husband anf wife should be together no matter what. Accepting for good and for worse. That is the way it should be.

I was left the proposal without any answer yet. I don't have a courage to make the decision. When think of what sakura said..am I really love him..well. Yes, I do. But there thousands things that I have to count on, beside the love I have for him.

Love is not enough to guarantee that everything will be smooth and "OKAY". Especially after you tie the knot. Not exactly. There many things to come after that. Kakak, the girls, the young one...huh.

I'm not afraid but I've been thinking for him. Even I've adviced him to get back together with kakak.

Love..again. When talk about love..Z will came along...huhuhuhuhu.

I'm do not know what kind of woman..or human am I right now.

Sometimes, I even don't know what I'm really want in my life..RIGHT NOW !!