Jackfruit

hi,

DO you know what is jackfruit. Have you heard it before. Have you taste it before.
It was the most popular vegetable, especially in the rural area.
But another one thing, I'm not sure whether its vege or fruit. Its depends.
When it is young, we can cook it, so I prefer called it vege, but when it turns ripe, obviously it is a fruit.

Anyway, you can take it just like that, the flesh is orange in colour and it is sweet and tasty. Or some people they prefer to make sweet dishes (like dessert) added with this ripe jackfruit.

But today, I made a curry, the young jackfruit with local chicken (ayam kampung). It was very, very tasty. I bought it in wet market, skinless and ready to cook. It has save my time and my hands from the latex of the fruit. Everybody love it.

Talk about food, the preparation, I think I am much prepare for this. I'm grateful, I can cook,even I can cater food for a hundred of people. Cooking for me is simple thing. I like to cook. I can cook local, chinese, indian and some western food as well. I like to try, but mostly, everyboday love for what I had cook.

Cooking for abg is simple. He can eat anything and he's not that choosy. He had been told me, for what he likes and dislike. I think it will be quite easy for me. I'm sure, I can win his heart through his stomach. :)

Abg / Z

hello,

Today, for the first time after many weeks, Z came in back. I don't have any idea, where was he for the past few weeks.
And today as well, abg was really "something"..I don't know how to tell.

Abg and I had agreed to proceed. I had told him, I would accept his proposal and be prepared to be his second wife, but not that soon. And yesterday, abg was confessed that, he would only do after the umrah next year. I was so releif when he told me that he is going to perform his umrah and most probably with kakak next year. For me that will be the best thing to do in order to over come this kind of matter. So, I will be prepare my self as good as I can at least by June next year. But all that is just depends on the current situation. Anything can be change without notice.

For myself, I am 50% ready for that. I will take whatever will come in the future. But where is the another 50%?

Z ? Nope, the 50% is not with him. Even, I'm still thinking of him, but I think Z and me is over. I have to make it clear about that. But, still...we still can be friend. That one I can;t denied. For what is past is past. But he will be one of my best friend forever. He was with me for a quite long time. 8-9 years are not short. We gained into everything a lots. Its just that we don't have a chance to get together. I accept that. I have to.

I want to be much clear with what I want to do. Especially with this marriage that I want to do. Love, am I really love abg? But, is it just love that will only make the marriage work? So many things actually that will make one's marriage work. Like the melting pot, everything is inside and melt into one. Of course, love will be one of it.

So, for the time being, I will do for what is the best for me. Sometimes, I just can't think anymore. Pray..I got to pray ..a lot.

Please God, show me the right way to it. Ameen.

Tired, Sad and Mad

Hi,

I'm, so tired today.
I went to the doctor for my regular checking. I told doctor what I've been felt lately. We had a quite long discussion. Been 10 only mins in doc's room was quite a long period for me. But today, I spent 40 mins in his room! We had discussed into so many things...af course all related to my 'problems'. I've seen him for almost complete 3 years since I was admitted there in the late 2002. He helped me a lots through out the years. And I never failed to do my folllow-up till now. But today, I made a decision to asked him to refer me to the GH, near to my place. He, was as usual, always agreed for any suggestion which is he think best for his patient. Even he was suggested to me last year, but I insisted. He gave me for a one month medication, and enclosed with a "letter" to the GH doctor. I bid him goodbye, but I warned him, do not be suprise if I come again next month..and as usual he just laughed.

Plus, what make me sad and mad?

he bp reading was not good.I knew it, its never down to 80 for the bottom for quite long after I stopped my atenalol (if im not mistake the spelling). I had a bad cough since I took it. And norvasc 5mg itself was not enough to control my bp. He was added one more tablet to be taken at night since last month, but I never started. I was afraid actually, and somemore I've been thinking that I can control the bp. But I was totally wrong. Then, this morning I was promised to him to take it tonight. Even I was confidently told him that I still kept the medicine.

Back home, when I want to take it tonight, I've been searching that tablet...I can't remember the name..terripless...tripple..or something like that...but it were not at the "place" anymore. I'm always put all my medicine on the fridge...i know that was not the proper place, but for the past 3 years I never lost or short my medicine. It just tonight, I lost all the "terepes".

I'm so sad and am so mad. Neng was felt guitly...that she felt she's the one who did the cleaning session. So, she would be the one who might be thrown away my medicine. Everybody was blamed me. And I just told them, just be quite..do not make my blood pressure go "upstair" again. So, I made the conclusion, the medicine might be had been throw away. Who did it I never care. Its just fated, its not anybody faults. I accept it.

But down deep inside, I was so sad...:( I went upstair, and lay down on my bad. I wanna talk to abg, I wanna told him, I lost my "treepress"..sorry I still can't remember the name. I sent him a sms " abg, I'm so sad...neng throw my medicine"..(Poor neng, I accused her). And not long than 5 mins, he gave me a call. And he, for no reason, he was getting angry with neng. And, what else....I cried all the way....(only for that reason). I know, it was not neng's fault. She might not throw the medicine. I don't want to have a "buruk sangka" with neng. But poor, she's the one kena marah...but luckily, she did not hear that..:)

Well, I'm too much..right? I'm noticed that I'm getting "manja"now.

Ok..finish one story.

Another story, for what happened today.

Today also, I was with abg. But today, not two of us, but three.

Ehem...not with kakak...I wish..that I can be get going with kakak.

Not her, but with best friend. And for the first time also today for the past 8 months, I introduced abg to this my very very good friend. She''s been only listened to my story about this abg..bla..bla..blaa...this and that but never know who..but today I just make a appearence for her eyes only. In live. :)

We had lunch together. We had tea together. And we went back home together, but in different vehicles. Abg brought his and I brought mine.

Well, I had a great time today, until tonight when I found that I've lost my 'terepes"...lol..I still can't remember the name.

To abg, I know how much you love me.

To my best friend, thanks for the understanding, and by now, I hope that you can see as well, how much he mean it.

Monday Blues

Hello.

Monday again. Black Monday.Monday blues. Cold Monday...anything with Monday. People never like Monday.

Last time I love Monday. I can't wait for another 2 days after Friday.I " hate" Friday instead.
But now it makes no different.

I went to work today. I thought I would have a good rest for another one week. But the boss called up yesterday. I have to go to work today, and she was remind me to come over again on Friday. *sigh*

This morning was the best one, after those last few weeks, after the incident. Abg started to call again early in the morning. I called him 6am sharp. I was happy when I heard his voice. Remind me to perform my solah. Thanks abg, I knew it.

sayang jaga diri ye....

hi.

I was happy when i read that msg through the sms 3 mins before I start my writing.

I promised him to get my new toy in this coming 3 days. But luckily I managed to get it by this evening. And now I got no problem to get him at any time and anywhere I want. But Unluckily, he did not on his mobile.

I checked the msg in another phone, and he did say that. I missed him so much for the past those few days. The thing is getting tougher now. As hard as I want to put a distance from him, as that as I much think about him. Plus I do miss him. I felt "missing something" if I did not hear his voice for once. I did tell him about that, and he told me that was a good sign. "That was what I want, " he said. " I want you to be closer to me".

I know that from the start, 6 months ago. But, I am the one who wanted it another way round. I don't want to get involved again into this such relationship. But, who is me to , I just can plan but unable to control the faith.

But, today, its getting different. Everything is not what I pictured before. (Am I really want to go further?)

For what I've been thinking yesterday was changed today. For what I've been thinking today, might be change tomorrow. I won't know. I don't want to think it hard, but its really bother me.

As for the time being, I'll just follow for what comes. But I know, that I have to think about what may cause after that. Still, as the tiome being, abg and me, still like before, even many times that I've persuaded abg not to continue his niat, anymore.....

But today, abg has said so many nice things to me.

"Abg, will take care of you sayang"

"sayang, you'll be much better with me, soon"

"be petience sayang, the time will come"

"abg, betul-betul nak duduk (baca: nikah) dgn sayang"

" abg sayang, abg rindu amat"

*sigh*

I wanted to be cared and loved like that !!! But yet, I'm so scared to hear that phrases. More else to beleive it.

Liking someone is not an easy thing. It cannot be happen just like that. It will takes sometimes as well. From there I beleive came out saying" tak kenal, maka tak cinta".

Today I asked abg to ask kakak to come and propose me. I know its sound crazy. But I want it that way. I've told abg for many time, with God permission (insyaAllah) we will get married one day, but must with the kakak approval. And plus, I want kakak to come and ask on behalf of him. Coz, I beleive the happiness will begin from there and with that way.

Abg had asked me to accompany him on this coming Thursday to the court. He will attend his last trial on court. The result will be hear that day. I pray that he will win the case this time. But I'm still not sure to accept the invitation, but most probably I won't go.

I know he missed me much more than I missed him.

At sudden I just feel want to be hug......just a hug. :(

Nite .

emmmmmmmmmmmmm

hi.

since the incident, abg been convinced me that everything will be ok. Even I'm not very sure and much confident about that, but I just try to be ok as well.

Abg and me were getting closed. That was very suprised to me. I thought I want to left all those behind, but he encouraged not to give up that soon. Its not that I'm give up, but I just don't want to make another heart suffer, much more.

And myself wasgetting terrible at the moment. I just can't think of other than him. I missed him a lots. I've been thinking so much about him, where is he, what he;s doing all those things.

I was cried yesterday when abg told kakak was so nnice to him. She even made a tea and woke him up early in the morning to go for work. I was immediately performed my sujud syukur for that good news. I was took it as a good sign.

I never fail to pray that they will get united together. Pray that they would love each other again. Pray that everything will going so so fine. Amin.

And abg, as usual, had pray much hard than me. Pray that we will get marry sooner.

Much more to write..but I got to go. Have to attend many open houses today.

I did only the simple simple thing...

Hi.

I was about off to bed just now. But I can't sleep. I woke up (again) and switched on the light. I've been talking to myself, while am trying to fall asleep.

I had a talked with abg this afternoon. I received a "quite fishy" sms from him last night. I've told abg not to mention again about the "plan". I am quite suprised that he's still going on with his intention. I know, it was a noble and good intention, but it is not in a correct time.

Even I've set my mind to pull out all those things relate to the plan. No more talk about wedding, marriage or all so about it. No more ! The thing was different now.

But, this afternoon, he was so sad on the phone. I don't know whether he just wanted my attention. He told me that, that I was just simply want to break his heart by telling for what I had in the past. I know he was jealous in anything for happened in the past. The past is past. I agree.

Then, the impact is...I can't sleep. I've been thinking about him..much now (again). Then, I was just remember for what we had last week, during our trip to down south.

I just did simple simple things, which I think that was really won his heart. I bet, he seldom get that fully intention, or maybe its been quite long time since both of them (abg n kakak) were very busy.
I remember, we stopped at one very quiet restaurant 5km away from Bandar S and we had a roti canai. And that was the only Muslim restaurant while the rest were non halal. I put the kuah for him, wash his hand with the "kendi" provided". And he was just smileeeee all the way. I know he was happy.

Then, we got to back to bandar J and heading to MR. He's been complaint that he need to take his lunch immediately. I know he is starving. We went to one nice and cozy restaurant, and he had a plate of rice with ikan bakar. I served him, open the ikan bakar's wrapper, pour some cicah on it, and again..he was looked so happy.

Back in car, he said" what a nice and blessing day"( for him lah). I know he is happy. He's been so "lonely" for so long time.

"let me take care of you, no matter what, dear" he said. He did confess that he is really really love me.

"sigh"

I'm really sick of this. I want it, but I can't. I've not only think twice, but almost hundreds time. Allah sent me a right person, but at the wrong time and situation. I still bersyukur for that. In just that I can't stand the dugaan and cabaran.

Then, we were heading back to home town, but we were decided to took another route. Had a chocolate and opened the bottle's cap for him as well, made double pleasure for him. In his 50's and been served like that was the greatest...he said.

I told him, I did nothing, but only the simple simple thing. But he admit that the simple simple things that make the big different.

He admit that he's really melt when he looked at my face. Whenever I spoke his heart will melt, he said. I know, this is the greatest dugaan for him. He's been learned a lots. He knows a lots. He is in the process to take care of his "hati". Learning tasauf is not easy. I told him, I was the biggest "dugaan" that Allah sent to him.
But he always denied about that, coz he said, there we many before,but not this time. This time Allah send me for to be his wife, for real.....

"sigh" and again...im sick.

Am not trying to said that I'm trying to win his heart. But I just love to do that. But the most great things we did was we had prayed at the same mosque together. That was the best thing for me. For long time, I've been looking for man that really care about the solah. People tend to left this simple yet very important "job". But we never forgot that. Thanks to Allah, and alhamdullillah, we managed to behave ourselves. Abg and me were really strict and alert with adab and syariat.
Most of the time, he taught me few about solah and shahadah. We listened to the recorded agama lesson that he had year ago with his bestfriend.
Even I know, been just two of us in the car for the whole day was still salah di sisi agama. Till to the end of the day, the moment I got home, am still thinking, for what I did for the rest of my day that day. I should not do that, but am only human. Sometimes I made mistakes.

The guilty is still there ! When u doing something wrong and against priciple(s), of course the burden will go with you. It will haunted you. Salah ke aku ni. Of course...salah tetap salah. I terima.

Am still praying time to time, that Allah will always keep looking at all of us...abg, kakak, me, my family and his family. May Allah bless us.

I Saw Him

Hi,

I saw him just now.I was at his place. He was looked so terrible. Messy with all the stink smell. He looked..so so...poor, yet so handsome to me. :)

I was planned (again), not to call or what ever think to do relate to him, but with the unplanned one, I was there 2 hours after I woke up this morning. And the best think is what you guess. I was planned not to make him see me, but once I past the bold uncle stall, the plastic container was fall upon me....and everybody was looking (smilling) at me , included him.

He was very happy, I guess. What a suprised visit..:)All the ladies there were looking at me, while one of them there was asking to me "what happen..dear?". Even I did not noticed whose voice was it, I was just reply jokingly, said " the box want to follow me". I know I've made a silly jokes...but what to do...I just want to "cover" my face...:) *malu.*

And after finished touring the place, I went back to him.Must see him, before i leave...that a must.I can't be so arrogant. I looked at his face,he's so reckless. Been there since 4am was hard for him, but what to do..life has to go on.

He gave me something to bring back, as usual when I go for visit him. I brought it back and called him once I'm home.

"sayang..I missed you" that was the first word I heard and argggghhhh...I begin to cair back. Hey, I've lost right? What's this? Am I trying to winning it back?

Want to be or not?????????

I don't want abggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg !! Please.

I Met Abg

Good Morning.

I woke up at 6am today. I off to bed at 10.30pm last night.
I was with abg the whole day yesterday.
Till now, myself won't beleive that was happened to me.

Everything was unplanned. It's usually happened like that. Something that unplanned, usually will get into the right track or its will be happen.

I was told abg that I'll visit my aunt on Thursday. He was willing to go with me. I was insisted to go with him , even I did not comfirmed with him.

But what was happened was not that. He was waiting for me since the early morning. And fornot to let him down, and for once of all, I take the chance. I told abg this will be the first and the last.

And for the first time, we were spent our time together. I know that what I've done was wrong. I must admit that. But for being a human, I hope that God will forgive me.

We were in south yesterday. We talked and talked into everything. Had discussed about kakak and things that we're going to face from now on. I wanted to end up the relationship. I realy meant it. I wanted to end up. But not him. He confessed that he can't live without me. That was the very easy and fast reason that he can give to me. Man...what else you can expect from him when he's desperate.

The meeting yesterday might be the best and meaningful for him but not for me. Poor abg, he was really cares and loves me. But not me. I don't really have that such strong feeling towards him. Maybe the experienced really gave me the good lesson to be more careful in this game named love. I can't do, like I did before. But I still know that I can be a great lover. Its just that it will takes some times.

I think he felt so greatful for having that such long time with me. I gave him a chance. I asked him to sent me back at 4pm, but he insisted and I am only got home at 8pm instead.
Even I realised that I don't that same degree of that 'such' feeling, like him, but at time I did enjoyed the pleasure for being with a man. Yes, I have to admit that I do missed for being cared and loved by someone. I do missed all those things that used to do by lovers. And yesterday, I was tried my best not to showed for what I felt deep deep inside. But I can see it clearly in abg. He really can't stand for being with me. And I think that was normal.

Being with him also, was brought back my memories. I was used to hold Z's hand wherever we go. We will hug each other and kissed goodbye. Z will kiss me whenever he wants. But I don't want to repeat the same fault. I have to left it behind in order to see a better future.

I did told abg, if we want to start something good, then we must be good at the start.

And lastly to abg, thank you for yesterday.Even I was started with such miserable feeling but at last it was ended with quite "ok" . Thanks for telling me that you love me, even I've heard it for many times from you. And once again, lets us just leave it to God for what is the best for HIM.

:)

Hi.

Actually I really don't know what to write. But I just simply on my pc and simply just wanna write at least something. But until now, am still blurrrrrr.

Anyway, maybe I just want to write for what I feel right now.

Am still feel "a bit" empty. Still. But am totaly 100% in good condition. I am perfectly "okay".

I woke up bit late today. I missed my early prayer. I had breakfast bit late. And everything seem been late when you woke up late.

I've got nothing to plan yet. Still on my bed. But I was thinking to visit some of my good friends. I want make my self busy as I can. Even though I'm so not sure that whether I can drive as far as 5km from this place or not.

I feel much lazy lately. Maybe because of the situation. But I'm pretty sure I'll get over this matter sooner or later. I must. I must.

I do miss him. And I think he got the same feeling right now. I saw kakak last night at the cafe. She was with the baby and someone,that I cannot recoznise. Having a cup or two maybe while chatting. She was so beautiful in black. Her fair skin made she looked more beautiful. I only can reconized her when I saw baby, beside her at the round table. But I didn't see abg.

On the way back I called him, but the hp was off. And this early morning when I woke up, I recieved his sms. He sms me at 6am. That was what I'vee been missed for the these few days. But I can't reply or return him a call. I've made a promised for that.

I also don't know how to end up all these things. He begged me. I want to leave for good. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to be free again. Not to carry on with this relationship that I think I know where it would be end up at last.

Get married will make many people sad and angry. Not to proceed as well, would make me and abg much suffer. So, what should I do? It is not the matter that I am not have that much brave to make a move, I mean to get married. But I don;t want to settle down in the situation that everybody will get angry and upset for what I will do. Plus I need the bless from my family and from abg family's as well, especially kakak. I want the things will get well organised and everybody would be happy for the marriage. Not to make another suffer for the whole of theirs lives.

Emmmm....I have to do something, in order to stop myself to think about this matter. I've been thinking of this so hard for those few days. I have to stop to do this. If not, I will get sick.

I beleive, love will always be with me for where ever I go and what ever I do.

The Past is Past

Hi.

What is past is past.
It's been a week, I've been through one of the most of my hardest days.
Well, I think I've been went throught much greater than this. But this time its quite hard for me as well.

When it comes to love, it must be hard to get through when there are problems. Should i called it "problems"..? I don't know. Maybe I've been through much bad than this, so for this time I just feel that this is one of the thing that I have to face for what I've been choosed fron the day 1.

I don't know whether I'm too stupid to throw myself in this situation. I choosed this few months ago, but I laid it to rest a week ago. I don't want to go through anymore. No more.Not again.

Kakak had accused me for what had happened to her family. She lost her trust in me. She doesn't beleive any words from me anymore. Everything is over. Me is like the most bad person she ever met in her life. I do understand for what she felt right now. She has a right to said that. And she is right. She defenced for whats belong to her. She tried to protect her life, her family, her aset.

Until today, I still dont't know what should I do. I feel so helpless. I feel want to run away..far far away. But I can't. I've been thinking how bad I am for ruined somebody's life. I've ruined a a one good lady's life. Even I don't know much about her, but I know how bad she felt right now.

I have to appologise for what I did for the past few months to her. I'm sorry kakak. I'm really meant it. God knows for what I felt right now as well.

I will just take for what God prepared for me. Thanks God. I beleive in YOU. Amin

Just One Very Fine Day

Hi.

I've been through the day without abg for just about 2 days. Well, when the routine has been changed, everything seems been changed as well.

No more good night call and early morning call. That were the most moments that I'll be missing start from now. But he did sms me, even I've told him not to do that anymore. I said NO MORE. He promised to be with me for whatever it takes after this. Well, I can't take that as a promised. Man can tell, but only God will do the rest. And again, I will just leave it to God. I beleive in HIM.

He was about to tell me the dream that he's been experience last week. But sad to say, he did not managed to tell me. And myself though was about to tell him about the sadakah that we will do together,but at the end just me did it succesfully, without him.

I bought him blue bonia shirt, but again sad to say, I did not managed to hand in to him yesterday. Well, I will just keep it. Until when? Me also do not know.

As says goes by, If you want to hold the rainbow, firstly you have to embrace the rain.

Its raining this late evening, hope to see the most beautiful rainbow next early morning.

I lost at last....

Hello.

Quite a long time i did not write in my blog.

I lost at last yesterday. I rest my planned yesterday. I put a aside everything yesterday. I stopped my routine with abg yesterday. I lost. I choosed NOT TO BE....at last !!

Kakak had sms me yesterday. Everything she said was absolutely correct. I was wrong. Having a relationship with someone's husband is totaly wrong . Even we were only friends, but it's still wrong. Community won't accept this until the end. Even its allowed in my religion, but then its still seems taboo to many people.

Fight the thing like this is likes seems u did something nonsense. It won't be acceptable, instead people will say that I'm crazy.

For this time, I'll sacrifice once for all. Love will be anywhere when u feel it. Nno need to find, because its always with us. I wanna be in love again. I'll never give up towards God's faith. God knows best for us. Everytimes that something had changed in our life, we have to bear in our mind, its all by God.

To abg, I will remember you forever. You're the nicest man I've ever met in this world after my 34 years old of my life. Even I've heard so many bad things about you, but for me you're the best thing that I've ever had. It's just that the time is too short for us. I did this too because of you.

To kakak, I wish you the best as well. Have abg as a whole. I won't keep in touch with him anymore. I promised you that. You deserved him.

To Z, all the best and I wish you that you'll be always be happy with all those children, especially with the girl named Fatin ( that I'm very sure she might be cute and intelligent like you) and with "her" as well.

To whom, who may read my blog, I wish you all the best as well. Hope your life will full of happiness and lots, lots of lovessssssss.