I'm Sorry

Hello,

It’s been quite long time I did not write much about abg.

He had a tough time for the past few days. Only today, things are getting better. The situation was quite bad. It’s involved police and so on. Then, you might be guess, there must be something serious, right?

It is serious.

In the way, I’m making myself to keep a distance from him, the incident happened. That’s why I can’t leave him alone, for the time being.

And today, when its seems ok, so I think I can continue my agenda.

Today I got a new position in the workplace. I got a new task in my job. I have to do the new things, since I’ve been given the new portfolio. The workload will never less. I will getting busy this year ahead. Maybe that is good for me. I hope, while keep myself busy with all those job field, at least will help me a bit to “forget” for what am having right now.

I’m planning not to use mobile phone in this coming New Year. I don’t want to register my number, especially the one that I’ve been used only for calling him. So, one problem solves. He cannot do anything on that.

I just gave him some suggestions, just now. (I just finished talking to him 5 minutes ago). I told him that we don’t have to make phone calls so frequently, as we did like before. Because I felt it is not necessary anymore. I want him to focus on his family start from now on. As I can’t take anymore, the guilty feeling is burdening me from day to day.

Since the incident, I felt I’m doing wrong to kakak and to the girls. Kakak needs him much than me. As well the children, they need their father much than I’m. The priority, that, was what I’m trying to tell him just now. I know, he understand it very clear, but he just denied it for no reason. Man, once he wants, he will get it. That’s why I’m always tell him that in this situation, he being so selfish. He never thinks about what other felt.

I know, he is a bit sad for what had happened. Been ignored for so long by kakak was the hardest thing for him. They are not live like a married couple anymore. They just live together just for the sake of marriage. But the things that what the married couple should or always do is not in their routine anymore. They even did not talk to each other, sometimes.

I never look into his or kakak’s faults. Maybe they have their own problems. But I just look it (the problem) might be absolutely came from me. If I did not start months ago, the thing won’t be like today. I don’t like to put the wrong into others. I prefer to look into myself first. I might be the one who brought the thing worst. Not “might” but yes, I’m the one. I admit that. If I stay away from the start, it won’t happen. If I not give my hand from the start, it’s won’t be bad like today.
I know, since I know abg, they already had the problems. The relationship is so-so before we know each other, closely. It’s just that since he “got” me, he changed a lot. He admits that he always listens to me and he admits as well that he feel so comfortable with me.

Anyway, I have to make a change. I have to be strict this time. Not to be so loose. Even I know, I may be not able to do it, but I’ll give a try.

Kakak, I’m so sorry.
Girls, I’m so sorry.

I don’t have a heart to hurt you all. I want you all to be happy and appreciate for what you have right now. I want them to know that they have a good father and kakak to know that she has a good, hardworking and loving husband.

But till now, I can’t understand why they can’t see this even they have right in front their eyes. I’m so sad that until now they can’t see how good their father’s is. Even kakak, till now she can’t accept that her husband has changed a lot. Changing from bad to good is better than not. Why she can’t take the advantage from that.

Well, I know, anyhow, I’m still orang yang bersalah. Put the blame on me, I don’t mind. I can accept it. For me, what is wrong is still wrong.

I’ll keep my promise, insyaAllah.

Genting

Hello.

The moment I reached the summit of Genting, I told myself, I have to write on this (about Genting) in my blog. I want to. It was the first time for me and I don’t know for how many times for “him”.

This trip to Genting is not in a plan as well. I’m not into planning in everything I want to do. Not all, except in work purpose. So, I was in Genting on the X’mas eve.

I never had been there before. I’ve heard and saw many interesting “things’ happening up there. Since then, I just wanna be there and experience it by myself. And I was there, at last, last Saturday.

We left KL at about 5pm and reached there an hour later. I was surprised, he brought me there. We were not so good the day before. Even he was late an hour. I thought he was canceled the meeting. We were just planned for dining at our favorite place. Nothing than just a casual meeting. But, thing was changed when he drove after we had our meal in one of the popular stall somewhere in Melawati. I’m not familiar with the places up there. But I’m started noticed that we were heading to Genting when he heading to Kuantan express way. I knew it he will bring me there.

Once we reached the summit, there are lots of people. We parked the car and heading to centre of the park. We just hanging seeing people here and there, and the day were getting dark. Having a snack and sipped hot chocolate in that kind of atmosphere, really, really bring back all the sweet memories. We just sit and keep continuing look at thousands people around. It supposes to be the nicest moment, but not any more. To be in Genting with him was one I want to do with him, during our “coupling” time. But it just only happen when everything was over. Anyway, I treasured the moment.

When I remember, all those days, when I’m so “empty”. I can’t describe the best word for that. When everything is wrong is right for me. When I always do for what I can’t do actually. When there is DOESN’T can be DO, for me. When there is absolutely NO can be YES, that time. When those time, I never care less or more. I will just go for it, as long it will make me happy.

Initially, everything was changed now. I can’t do whatever I want. Since I’ve learned and know bad and good, I must to be more precisely for what I want to do. Since I know what is bad and what is good or which is bad or which is good, so I have to be more alert to such things.

Deep inside, I’m still weak. I wish that I can hold him tightly, in the deep cold open space. Wish that we can warm each other and enjoy all the pleasure as much as we want. Still, I felt lucky that I can “hold” all those wishes, even deep inside I’m really want to do it. I’m not an angel, I’m only human. I just can’t stand it for sometimes.

We left the summit at 8pm. I dropped him and we bid goodbye. I thank him for spending the time with me. And I was absolutely felt so different this time. But, I believe, the friendship will remain forever.

I know he can’t do anything. He even does not have any “power” to make a change. He got other responsibilities. And I’m still respecting him for that. That what a man should do.

And for me, I should keep myself to stay far away from him onwards. I cannot keep continue contact him or make any meeting, even a casual meeting. More or less, sometimes, I feel, I’m the bad one. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, I’ve been to Genting. And you can guess with whom, right?

The 5 Days

Hi,

I was away complete 5 days since Friday.
At the beginning, I just wanted to keep a distance from abg and Z.

But again, it is not as I planned. Everything is changed now.

No more with Z. And am getting start no more with abg as well. The dufferent is only that abg and me still keep contact each other. Abg had a BIG problem. I can’t leave him alone. Remain, but not as before. I just want to be there as a friend, not more than that. Abg understood about that. Until the problem is settle, everything will be as normal. But I can’t see the future, I mean, his future. His marriage, family and children. He really had a bad time right now. And it is not impropriate, if I just leave him like that. I know him started as a friend, friendship never die, so I can’t leave him at the time that he needs a friend. I laid down the plan. I’m stop preparing myself for the thing that I want to do so much before. I surrender. Maybe later. Sometimes, there’s something more important that we have to do first. We can’t do two things at one time. Be patience. That is the right thing to do right now.

5 days away, I thought that I would find the peaceful of mind since I’m away from here. But it was not as I thought. Anyway, I was quite happy.

I tried to do something that would help me to “forget” for what I’m having right now. It’s 80% successfully until yesterday. I had a great time with my 2 lovely cousins and aunts. We’ve been to many places.

I had a quite long journey on Sunday. I went to one of the successfully entrepreneur. He is a millionaire now at his age of 32. A very nice and humble malay man. Lots of passion towards all kind of businesses, especially in food sector. No wonder he can be a millionaire at that age. Had a great lunch at his place. Full of friendly and nice family members. We have been served like in 5 stars hotel, with the great food especially. Thanks Allah for those nice meals.

And at the same day also, I have been to a very remote place, which the only house that can be found there. Far away from the town, I visited an old lady that lived with her 90 years old mother, with a one down syndrome daughter who is 42 years old this year and 2 others son who is not really in a good health and one daughter who is she fully depending on. I’ve been there before a year a go. Tina, I still can remember her name. A very jovial girl age 23, had complete her diploma, but scarifies all she ever wanted to do just for her other and the whole family. I’m really respecting her for that. What else you expected a girl at that age, for sure lots of fun and freedom, but not Tina, she left over everything just for the sake of her family.

Alangkah bagusnya jika semua anak2 muda ada perasaan yang sebegitu. Tahu apa itu yang dinamakan tanggungjawab. Tahu apa ertinya “taat” kepada ibubapa. Tahu mensyukuri dengan apa yg ada. Itu yang ada pada Tina. Tina memikirkan ibunya lebih memerlukan dia lebih daripada apa yang dia sendiri mahukan. Berbahagialah ibu Tina, memiliki anak perempuan yang sebegitut rupa. Tina mungkin tidak sesempurna atau sebijak mana, tapi dia sudah punya kesedaran dalam dirinya.

I wish that I can be a good daughter as Tina. It would be enough for me. I want to serve my parents as they deserve for it. Membalas budi mereka itu satu keperluan kepada kita semua. I have to be grateful for all these.

Ada anak, yang tidak pernah memikirkan semua itu. Malah mudah lupa siapa yang melahirkannya. I would only pray that for all parents who have that kind of sons or daughters, one day they might be change dan sedar siapa diri mereka.

I’ve been to one humble man’s place as well in town name Jasin. It was quite far inside, part of estate. He lived there with his wife, and children. A another very humble family. They live in a small wooden house. He is a gardener (government servant). He was detected with leukemia years before and now completely recovered, dengan izinNYA. A very happy man, I think he is about 45. I just love his cheerful and friendly hospitality.

Actually I was just accompanying my uncle. I don’t know why he brought us to those places. Maybe he wanted us to see what life means by all. Yes, we learned a lot that day.

Back home nearly 1 am.

I had lots of things during the 5 days.

I was in Genting on the Christmas Eve. :) that would be another story.
I was in one restaurant running by a kelantanese, somewhere in Bandar Sunway.
I was in 10th Floor of The Mall, for the first time. The place I wanted to visit for so long, at last…..
I was in KLCC ..hehehehe. I don’t know why people like KLCC so much.
I was in KL actually for the past 5 days, except on the Sunday.

Now I’m home again. To my home town. A very small and peaceful small town. It was cloudy when I arrived here yesterday. The moment I reached the border, I can smell the fresh of the mountain, the trees; I missed all those so much. As I’m writing my blog from here, I can see the cloud around the mountain. It has been quite cold here since the rainy days. This is the normal view when it comes to end of year. The place would be wet and bit cold.

And, once again, the new year is just around the corner.

I don't know why

Hi.

I talked to abg about what I felt for these past few days. It does seem kakak getting better. She slightly changed. Maybe not up to what we expected, but we can see that she did it.

Abg not so agreed with my idea/suggestions. I told him, I want to keep a distance since I saw kakak is getting better now. I know that was what he afraid most. He knew that earlier than me. Sometimes, I’ve been thinking that abg was “greedy”. He wants both. I asked him to forget me. Since the situation is getting better now, I have to step aback.

Aku harus meninggalkan abg demi untuk satu kebaikan. Abg kena belajar melupakan sesuatu yang disayangi selama ini. Hubungan kami belum sampai lagi umur setahun, dan aku merasa abg masih boleh melakukannya.

Abg sounds very hard just now. I know he was mad at me. I might make him angry just now with my sudden suggestions. I just want to be good to him and his family. I looked much further than him. Marriage is one I’ve been looking forward right now, but I’m not that desperate. I’m still can think wisely for what I wanted or ever wanted in my life right now. But, I can sacrifice that once for all.

I know I got to do something. But I don’t know what I have to do.

I know abg is the best for what I have right now. Letting him go, mean I let go someone quite really good. I can say that abg is the best one I found in my life. He may not be good to others, but for my eyes, he is good enough to be my husband. Have a good knowledge in Islamic believe. Have a strong believe in Islam. He always tries his best dalam menjaga syariat dan adab. Always remind me to do the good things. Remind me about solah, sabar, and takdir. I never found this kind of man before. He likes “cahaya” to me. I believe Allah brought him to me. But, not in the acceptance situation.

Abg do not want me to think about it anymore. He said that we had been agreed the matter of marriage. I denied it. I said, I had changed my mind. Not anymore. I don’t want to. It quite surprised me, I had a feel that I can’t depend on him. I’m not very sure that he can take up all the responsibilities. I’ve been thinking about that so much lately. I’m so scared if he may not be able to manage me, kakak, both of us.

This is what I learned from my friend yesterday. She is the second one. The first one had just giving birth last weekend. She told me that her husband was quite busy. Even to make a phone call. And of course she was so sad. I’ve told him not to be sad because she has to understand the situation. But deep inside me , I’ve been thinking about myself. Am I being able to face that, in my future..???? I may not be demanding at this moment, but I’m afraid that I might be change once I become abg’s wife. Nobody knows, even I can’t promise on that.

I’ll be going away again tomorrow. I need some space. I just want to make a distance from abg. I will only be home next week. I need to rest. I’ll write again.
I’m going to miss home again this time. And absolutely everything that I’ll be leave for these coming few days. I made a promised to abg that I would call him once in a while when I’m away. Its quite difficult for me and for him too, but I have to do for the sake of kakak and him as well.

And still, I want us to remain as friends, forever.

Look, How Bad Am I

Hello.

I got back home yesterday. But due to the tiredness I was unable to write in here.
It was a very hectic days. Even I haven’t a chance to go to the hotel’s business centre for checking any email.

I slept the whole day after I reached home yesterday evening. And I continued till this afternoon. Only after that I had my meal (lunch).
And being away for 3 days, there are lots of stories. And for 2 days I’ve been thinking about to meet Z. Z had called me many times when I was in M. Z invited me to go KL and we planned to meet up. I’ve made a decision wanted to meet him, for the last one. I want to tell him all about who are Mrs..F and the cute girl F . I want him to know why I have to take this path. I want him to understand it perfectly. And most of all, I want him to know that I do love him and I want we to really “grow” from now. We have to leave the past and look forward. He got everything that what a man ever dream and wanted in his life. While I have to go for what I dream and want for so long time ago. We have to make a move. Leave everything behind for good this time. And for real as well. I hope both of us can accept this situation. And I want both of us can turn to be a good friends as well in the future. No matter how much we like or love each other, but the situation never compromised, so we have to surrender to the nature. No heart feeling. I want to see him for the last time. And I know he wants to meet me badly.

While abg is another story. I got a bit uneasy feeling for the past few days. I dreamt he was crying the day before I left to M. Well, I didn’t understand until today he told me something about kakak. For him is a good news, but not for me. Kakak had sent him a sms this morning, giving him permission to proceed his wishing to marry another one. “ kalau awak dah tak tahan sangat , kahwinlah dan bawaklah perempuan tu jumpa saya”. I told abg, do not so happy with that message. She might want to test him. I want him to take few times to think about it. I know, she might dah “lembut hati” but not that easy.

And, myself, I don’t know what to do right now. 3 days I was in M, and I was been involved in few talks, it have been taught me so many things. I’ve been looking into myself. I’ve been felt that I’m, bit selfish…not bit..but I’m really selfish.

*sigh*

But now, at last, I want to leave both of them. That what I feel right now. I don’t want to be with abg and either with Z. I’m totally down right now. I’ve been thinking into so many things, til I don’t know what I’m thinking.

I feel that I’m not worthy for both of them, especially abg.

I’m so sorry abg. Please forgive me.

I'll Be Away

Hi.

Good Morning.
This will be a long week for me, I guess.
I’ll be going away for 3 days. I will drive by myself. I’ll be leaving at 2pm today. It’s been quite a long time I’ve not been there. I missed the place, but this time I’m going for some works, not for holiday.

I’m bit tired actually after a big time yesterday. We had a family reunion at my place last Saturday. Everybody was almost here last Saturday. We had a great time and been together again in one big family was the best thing for me. The olds were very happy with the young around them. Everybody was tried their best to make this time to get each other. It’s the time to “bertanya khabar”, juga masa untuk mengeratkan lagi silaturahim. That’s was the main agenda every time we make the reunion.

And myself, till now, I haven’t packed my things. I hate to do packing. Put all those things, clothes, toiletries and everything that we have to bring when we going away from home.

I’ve not seen abg since last week. We just talked over the phone these past few days. Kakak’s condition was getting much better now. She managed to do her routine job. Alhamdullillah. I called him this morning, letting him know that I’ll be leaving this afternoon. He asked me to come over to his place before I leave, but I insisted. I promised to give him a call once I reach MC.

I got to go now. Have to do all the packing. I will write while I’m away from home. I’m very sure the hotel has the business center. I’ve used their service before, but I wish there will not be so many people. What can we expect because this is a holiday season.

I'm Not Feel Good Today

hello...

I was in S this morning for a seminar. And I'm got back home at 6.00pm.

The "outcome" from the discussion last 2 nights was "so-so".
Due to that kakak was getting worst level. And I don't have any idea how to help out the problems now. But abg was in the other hand, he's so calm and easy for what is happening now. "sedikit goncangan diberi Allah, insyaAllah pasti ada kebaikan" he said.

I knew it, from the start. Abg, whom I know, is a man with his strong beleive and knowledge, will always "calm" to overcome this such of situation. If other man, I don't know. Not many people can stand. Life, full of suprise. Never lack of dugaan and ujian. None of us will not get excuse from this, its just the matter of how good that you take and manage it.

Since I heard that kakak was not really can cope with the situation after the discussin, I was felt terribly bad. Today is the second day. She even did not go for work, for two days already. I asked abg of her condition time to time.

But only today, I just started to felt very, very gulity for what I've done to her. At once I felt I've done nothing to her. But when think twice, I felt I'm the one who made all those things happened. I told abg, via my sms(s). I regret for what I've done for this past 8 months. I should not started it. I should not. I should not !!!

Abg was not agreed with me. And he started his "lecture" over the phone. I know, in the perspective of our religion, it would make quite difficult to understand. I'm almost give up. When he came to soal siapa kita hambaNYA, siapa pembuat and all those things, I would only keep my mouth shut.

And after 30 minutes talked over the phone, I felt back to "normal".

I've been thinking as well, for what I've been thought for the rest of the day today, which make me feel "sick". Even today,I've made up my mind, to ask him politely to stop all these for the sake of kakak. I've been thinking for the goodness, for kakak, I must sacrifice. I can do that how hard it will be. I tol abg, he must do that as well. But abg refused. He said, that will not be the best way to solve this. And he keep continued assured me that I got nothing to do for this. Even he admitted that, he need me badly for the time being. I understand that.

I thank Allah for giving him peaceful. I will promised to keep at the best level to help him out. I don't want him to think about marriage at the first or second place right now. I told him that, just now. We have to forget that thing at the moment. Bring back kakak to be "herself" again must be the first agenda. We agreed to keep praying so that kakak, and the two lovely daugthers will see the truth from this incident.

And again, as he said, something bad for us that we hate most might be good for HIM. We have to learn to accept it. Tiada yang sia2 dijadikan oleh Allah untuk hambaNYA. I agreed with that.

Nite.

Hard For Him, Hard For Me Too

Hi,

I got to write on something today.

I went for a charity work today with my second brother. We did something that at least make some people happy today.

I back home at 3pm. And to my surprised, abg did not sms or make a phone call till that 3pm. It puzzled me. I felt something wrong. I gave him a called. And he sound not as usual. He still was at his work place. And he just answered my phone very brief and short. He said, something up and he will call me before he off home.

Until 5pm he still did not called me. Am getting worried. I got a hush feeling inside. I’m afraid, he had a quarreled with kakak. So I decide not to call him and wait. At 6.35 I received his sms. Informed me that he is in a hotel. My goodness. I was right. I had a right thought about what happened to him.

Straightly, I called him. Luckily I still have the number. And I hardly can’t wait to know what had happened. The moment he heard my voice, he just said, he did not know what else to do to kakak. He sounds so weak, sound so hopeless. I asked what was wrong this time. I wanted to know whether they had fight or what last night. He said no.

He told that, kakak was asked to sell all the properties. Included the business that she’s running right now. I can’t believe for what he told me. Abg said, kakak has been too much now. Abg told me, he can let kakak to do for whatever she wants right now. But he believe she won’t survive. For the second thought, I’m with abg this time. He was absolutely right there. Kakak might felt she doesn’t need abg anymore. Tapi itu hanya pada fikirannya yang singkat. She got to see it for her future. Maybe this time she doesn’t need him, but how about in 5 years or in 10 years time?

Betullah kata org, kalau dah benci nak pandang sebelah mata pun dah tak ingin lagi. Abg dag tak tahu macam mana nak buat. Dia kesian dengan kakak. He did told me as well, kalau terjadi apa2 dia akan sentiasa beri nafkah. I told him, that a must, tanggungjawab kena buat.

But he did not tell me something, abt kakak had filled in the form tuntut fasakh. What ?????
I know him for quite a long time. But I never know how far about his marriage problem. Abg seldom told about his problem. Apalagi nak cerita pasal kakak. Sikit-sikit ada lah, I respect him for that, menjaga cerita hal elwal rumahtangga adalah satu ibadah juga.

And today, he told me what the people around said about him and his marriage. All the stories came from kakak. Even some of his friends did not believe for what they heard. And today, kakak was sent a “spy” too, to his workplace.

Susahnya untuk mempertahankan satu-satu perkahwinan. I’m still pray that they will still keep together. I hope kakak will see clearly for what she’s really want. I pity on her for not seeing what she had right now. But in the other hand, she might now better than me..right? She had lived with abg for more than 25 years. She knows better than me.

And, at this moment, while I’m writing here, abg, kakak , K (their best friend) and kadhi were at his home. They are having a discussion. And again, I can’t wait to know.

All the best kakak. Pray that Allah will open up your heart. Amin.

Testing

hi,

nothing much to say lately.

Just want to add few pictures. It's just like testing..:)

My Hidden Talent

hello.....

True. That's what I am. You can ask some of my friends, colleagues and family members. I'm pretty sure, some of them will agree with this result..:)

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

How Are You In Love

This is the the test "How Am I In Love"...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Something Interesting

hi..
check it out...! Nice :)

This is mine...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Perfect Sunday

Hi.

It is almost end of the year. We got only 2 more weeks to go. Today everybody off for holidays. I was left behind with baba and neng. Sometimes, its nice for being alone. I can occupy any 3 rooms that I want. I can use all the bathrooms which one I like. I don’t have to bother to take my towel to the toilet. Yippeeee.

And today, for the first time since I know abg, abg has imformed me know that he went to his sister’s kenduri with kakak. Since I know him, I noticed he seldom took kakak to anywhere. Because most of the time kakak would busy with her schedules.

I praised kakak for some of her efforts. Beside that she did not served abg as she should, but some parts of the thing she did well. She looked after her MIL very well. When come to family matter, she never complain. She will go to any invitation that related to family relationship. Only that she quite hard to give cooperation towards abg himself. Others than that it’ll be done. I’ve told abg for many times, she acted like that just because she never agreed with abg’s intention to marry for the second one. Hati perempuan mana yg dapat terima dengan berlapang dada.

But today, I guessed abg had spent plenty time with kakak. He did not called or sms me till now. I had told him as well, not to do so. I asked him, to take the opportunity, during their journey to his sister’s place. Sometimes, I teach abg how to win her heart again. I mean, to bring back the confident, trusting and make kakak feel that she still the one in his heart. I told him, maybe once he could have a chance to hold her hands, and tell her that everything that she wants to hear. Say sorry for everything that he had done, which had broke her heart for the quite long time. And I’m always telling him that, never be ashamed to forgive others, especially kakak in this case. Infect, we will get nothing less for just saying sorry. Instead, people might be proud of you, that you would admit your mistake. No harm at all.

“Ting tong” Message. “jap lagi abg call”

:) I was waiting for that sort of message.hehehehe.

Well, it just a common phone call. He used to call me at least once at night. There are few things I want to inform him. And so many things I want to hear from him. I hope I’ll hear the entire good one. Did not want to hear the bad one!

Can’t wait. Will write in, if there’s something interesting.

About Abg....

hi,

I wanna write abg. I told abg that I had few comments about what I wrote in my blog. Abg does not has any idea what "blog" it is. :) I told him, it was like a diary. The place that I can write everything that I want. And of course mostly about us. I told him, I'll show to him once we got married, later.

He will be going 50 next week. But I bet you, he did not look like 50. Most of my friends said he looked like 40's. Anyway, that's not a big deal. :)

You might wonder, how I started with this abg.

I know him, since 1997 or maybe before that, I can't really remember what year, but I'm very sure I know him that year. I used to go to his place (his working place) to do some arrangement. And start from that I used to go there to used his service. AT start it was just like a customer and a client. It just to be going like that (customer-client..not more than that) until early this year. I've noticed few times, he was trying to "get" me, but I'm always ignored him. Because of the situation, not many people noticed. He was being nice to me as he did to others people who came to his place. Only at cricital time, I noticed, I'm always managed to get first, especially when there are many orders came in. Do not misunderstood. I used to wait as well sometimes until my turn, but only then, maybe I'm that special to him, he always put me earlier than others. And it carry on until now. I will get what ever I want and no matter what, easier than other, even sometimes, free of charge. Lucky right?

As time goes by, I just keep the thing as usual. Do all my job, my daily job, and pi mai pi mai..selalu la jumpa. We just a friend and not more than that. He got my phone number, last 2 years, but he did not used the chance to get me. He said, he did not have any courage to do because he was afraid that I might not want to befriend with him. So, i did changed my phone number due for some reasons.

And started last year, somewhere in December, he started to asked me my phone number and he was asked that for many times, and only after about 3 months later I gave it to him. And since that he never give up the chance and never looked back.

At the second time he called me, he straight away told me what he had felt for many years towards me . I'm totally shocked. I can't beleive to heard that. Even I can't take it at that time. I asked him to straight cut out the feeling and stop to called me instantly. And stop to thinking about me. And I even had worn him that I won't going to his place anymore. I would looking forward to new place to fill my need.

Eventually, the thing was going the other way round. Well, that what you all see right now. Not many people noticed also about me and him. Nobody know that we're a "couple". Couple? Are we? ? Most of his friends are my friends as well. But none of them know about us. He knows most of my uncles and aunties. I know most of his relatives and we are good friends. If they know, only then I'll know how the reactions. But I can imagine how it will be.

Recently,many of his close friend had came foward and asked for the confirmation. Many people said that he's married already. Had a second wife. And he would just said yes, just because do not want to drag it long, he said. Even kakak had confront him and said he had married me silently. I asked him to denied all those , coz it would make the thing worst. And there's one time, one of our best friend had confront me and him at different time. Cuba nak tembak la. She just guessing. Seeing people wondering make me feel guilty sometimes.

Even, one or two of his workers looked like they "smell" something by looking at us.There's at one time, abg told me, one of the boy, who is his partime employer, had asked him personally and asked him to be gentleman. He admit that he heard the news from his mom, only that he don't know how far truth of it .But they don't dare to say anything to confirm it. They won't come and directly ask me cos they are really respect for who I am. Even, I think, they won't beleive when they see or hear that I'm the one who they are looking for this such long time. All the people around won;t beleive. Abg with his nice character, always being good to others, with his kind manner and jovial all the time, while I'm much friendly person, who like to chat with whoever at anyplace. And plus, they saw we met almost everyday, and always been seen like nothing happen between us.

They won't beleive !!

In real, I'm not really confortable. I'm always remind abg, not to always be joking for all these with people around. They wanted to know so much, about us, especially who is the woman.
And recently, I heard most of his friends are busy saying that he had really married the second one and once again, they really want to know who is the second one.

50-50

Hello.

I’ve been thinking something…. Sometimes, this such crazy idea would came out, especially when I’m in 50-50 situation. Why I called it 50-50 situation? That was my weakness. The very bad one ! Sometimes, I’ve made the decision, then shortly, I would changed my mind. But, sometimes, it would takes time too. After a few days, weeks, or months, it could be changed again…! I’ve been thinking how to overcome this problem. I have to learn, very hard, to stay with the decision that I’ve made by myself. I know I have to pray hard as well, and ask Allah to make myself stay constantly with whatever decision that I ever made or will make.

Not many people know what I’m having and facing right now. Not many people can understand. And not many people can accept what I’m doing right now. Polygamy is something that is not acceptance in our community. Not many people can accept this concept furthermore for apply in certain lifestyle. Only people who had been in polygamy will know how good bad it is.

I’ve few friends that be a second wife. Most of my friends are quite successful even I’ve seen their marriage are more better than monogamy. But I did not denied that sometimes, its not smooth as we think. Still, it can be manage. Rumahtangga mana yang tidak bergoyang,kan? Pasti ada dugaannya.

I got few friends as well, yang punya pendapat tersendiri dalam hidup berpoligami ni. Ramai yang tak bersetujulah. They will still keep saying that monogamy is still the best. And I’m always said, deep inside, not until if your husband want to marry another one..:) Then, by that day you will know it.

Yes, I know, they are trying to keep me see the truth all about this. They thought that I might make the wrong decision. I might not see clearly what will happen in the future. We’ve been fed with a such negative perception in polygamy. I think the community should start to educate people to teach positive not negative. We have to guide others in positive thinking not to make them scared with something that we never had or tried.

I know, marriage is not a ‘thing” for try and error. I see it as an ibadah. I would love to do just because of Allah. I want to take the good things from the marriage. Have a husband, built a family and working towards it. And again, I’m not trying to be perfect or to look perfect. I just want a little not much.

Emmmmmmmmm.

An Evening with An Offer

hi,

I managed to dicipline myself in Z case. We haven't meet for the past 3months plus, i guess. I think I can keep continue till the end.

But until yesterday evening Z came in with an offer. Offer? I prefer say an invitation. He invited me to go to a place that I and him wanted to go long time ago. During our couple time, we had so many dreams and plans. One of it is been to the one of the most beautiful island. Yesterday, he came with that idea. I was about to say "yes" the moment he invites me. But, politely I asked him to give me for another day to confirm it. Actually I just wanted to decline it politely. So that I'm not reply it instantly.

Of course, I wanna take the offer. I asked Z, why after all the sudden he came out with that idea. And he simply said " I just wanna be with you". And Z, I think he knows me by know. The moment I told him that I'll give him my word in another day, he just said " it's doesn't matter that I'll give the answer by today or by tomorrow, if I've made up my mind. See, he can read me, very well. He just know as well, that I was tried to be polite to him. He knows, that I won't accept his invitation.

I wish I can go. Even I'm almost to give the answer right away. No, I won't do that. I cried. Sometimes, I do like a fool. I just wanna make myself look a fool. I even cannot makeup my mind. What else I want from Z. I should forgetting him by now. Immediately. Do not to think about him anymore. Not wanting to spend time with him anymore. To share what ever I want to share, or not to do anything that what I had before. I have to leave it behind, and start to look forward. Unluckily, sometimes, I was just same as jelly. Too fragile. Always loose to such thing like that. Hey...8 years are not easy to skip just like that. I promise, I will try, anyhow.

I don't dare to tell abg about that. Even sometimes, he kept remind me not to do the same mistake. Not to find Z anymore, no matter what. Only if he knows that I still contact Z, even on the net, I think he would be upset. Totally upset. I don't want to make him upset.

Kakak was tried to contact me, for many time. She still called me everyday, at least once. But I'm still not to answer it. I prefer to off my mobile phone. Abg had asked me not to use the number anymore. Yet, I agreed with him. Coz, I can't take the situation whenever kakak called or sms me. I would be frighten and scared, and it would effected my daily life. If I read her sms, I will get scared, and started to avoid and ignored abg. By now, he said, do not to think it so hard. He was so sure that everything will be in control. He wanted to discuss about the conditions that kakak had listed. And I'm only can pray, again and again, that everything will be ok. InsyaAllah.

I would not say that I'm good, while kakak was not. Abg admit that he loves me for no reason, but I know why. It is something that anyone can't explain. We can't explain or give such a good reason for why we love someone. It's universal. Even, I think I'm still not love abg as much as he loves me. Being easy with me made him looked that he can;t live without me anymore. But, for many times, I've remind him, this would not be our job, I'll leave it to Allah. Still, as I like to say, what the best for Allah, would be the best for my life, I am very sure about that !

He was been watching me for too long. He was been dream of me for such a long time as well. It's just he don;t have a chance until months ago. Well, once it;s in his and I beleive he won;t let it go just like that. He won't. He really wanted to live and take care of me. Those were what he promised to me. I should be grateful for that. I'm truly blessed. Thank you God.

Abg, I'll try my best to make our dream come true.

I wanna live with you too. I want. I really want. Stay. Ya Allah, tetapkan hati ku.

The offer...? Of course, thank you Z. I really appreciate it. But I can't. I'm in the process to be a someone's wife. To be abg's wife. To be a good wife.

Amin.

Jealousy

hello.

Great that I'm able to write again today.
I was really tired last night. I thought I wanna to write few line before off to bed, but I'm too lazy to turn on the computer and get on the net.

I had a good time yesterday. I'm not spending any ringgit, even I'm almost to buy RM78 blouse tough. Lucky I met my long lost aunt, our long chat and bla..bla..bla made me forgot to buy it..:)

But, yesterday as well, I got a called from abg. He went home yesterday, after he was been away for 5 days. He was planned to continue his "separation session" till this coming Thursday. But, he can't. Kakak called up and the daughter had say her sorry.

He went home by 5pm yesterday. He called me, and told me that everything was ok and looked so so good. Kakak spoke to him, "nicely" he said. I think been away for that 5 days made her missed him a lot. I told abg as well, she must missed him. Been slept alone for many nights would be hard for her, especially they never did like that before. I think she got the lesson from this situation.

But, in the other hand, I just feel something inside. Honestly, I'm so happy for what he did. And I'm so happy as well, that they are getting together again right now. Hearing that kak was so nice, i shed my tears. I did my sujud syukur for that. Thanks Allah for ur rahmat. Alhamdullillah.

And today, I felt a bit uneasy. I'm started to feel like those days before. If they're getting well back, why I want to interfere.I should leave. LEAVE? That what I'm thinking back. And again, I'm started getting blurrrrrrr for what I really want. Am I jelous ? I don;t know. Why I should be jealous. Nope I'm not, I'm really happy.

Plus...abg called just now. He told me something that I never think about it. He told me that kakak had prepared the letter that she had allowed him to marry me, with few conditions. He told me, the conditions were quite tough but it were nothing to him..he said. As long that he can marry me. I just can't accept that. We will live in a real world, not a live for a week or a month. I want it forever. I asked him to read and understand the conditions that kakak had asked. It may looked simple, but he has to go through it carefully and make the desicion wisely. This time he got to think hard about this. He just can't follow by heart. I'm sure abg knows what to do.

Well, it's seems like the time is getting closer. And at the moment now, I'm trying to make a barrier with abg. I have to make sure that everything will be in order.But if people ask me, whether I am ready or not to be his second wife, until now, I'm not really know the answer. Even, I just can't think about it at the moment.

Shopping

hi.

I'm going for a trip today.Will do some end year shopping. It's been quite a long time, I did not have a shopping trip.

I've let abg know that I'll be away today and will be back tonight. And as usual abg was so worried. I convinced him, nothing to be worry anymore. I will not going to meet anyone else by now. But I understand, he deserves to act like that. He loves me so much till sometimes, he can't take it whenever I got to be quite away from his sight.


To abg,

"Do not worry, sayang, I love you too."

I'm grateful for What I Have right Now

Hi,

What a nice sunday for me today.
I woke up this early morning with a such beautiful feeling.
I'm really grateful for what I'm having right now.

Sometimes, when we looking back, no doubt, there are so many things that make us angry, frust or unsatisfied. We human will never satisfied for what we had. "kita tidak akan pernah merasa puas"

But, ask yourself...until when? When will we feel that we have satisfied for what we had. Enough. Beleive me, it won't come, unless if that human had stop to look into this world and start to look forward into his life in the another world, life after this, the permanent one. Which we called "kampung yang kekal".

If we know and have a strong beleive that this world is only a "playground" and would not be stay forever, I think many people will turn to be as good as they can. They will let go for the things that they like/love most for another. They will share into everything without fuss. There will be less complain and will be ever satisfied for what they achieved. There will be no stingy people unless all will be very generous and most of all, this world will full with a warm hearted people around. People would live in full of love, care and understand each other. That would be nice, right? Unfortunately, we did not think in that way. Because many of us forgot that the life after this is much meaningful actually. We forgot that we have to move into another life which is will be forever and stay forever !

I had a talk with abg last night. He was been away for last 3 days. There's something turn up and eveything seems changed now. I think abg had made up his mind to do something that he wanted to do before, but he never has a strong to do so. But now,it's just a time, that he got to do, no matter what. I tried to give some advices, but I think he knows what is best for him and the whole. I just can remind him, not to overact. Remind him of his responsibilities. Because I beleive, we as a human, sometimes, we tend to forgot. And we have to admit that sometimes, we got to listen to others. It't just when we come to the end, only us will decide what is the best for us, coz, only we know.

I think, by the time now, I learn more abt abg. I'm getting much closer to him now. Even, each time, I'm always bear in my mind, not to do the same thing as before. Not to give as much as before. Not to be as open as before. Not to share as much as before. I;ve been promised to myself, not to repeat the same mistake for what I had experienced for the last 8 years before. The past would be a guideline for me. Emmmm..but still, I'm only human. Day by day, 'it' (the feeling, love, passion..everything) grows.

Abg as well, he know me much better than 6 months ago. Abg and me had a very big different world. The way we brought up, the education background, the lifestyle, the way we think, the way we manage our life, our profession , hobbies, our need...I guess, we were bit different. I told abg that sometimes, I'm bit scared if he and I cannot get along. And abg was just simply said, as we wanted the same thing (read: live together) that would be good enough, because everything will follow and will get adjusted. That is the reason why I love him. He has the confident, which I think is important in order to make me feel safe whenever I am with him, later. I want to be protected by my beloved husband. I want to be love, care..forever. I want to live happily. Want to spread my love for him and for all at once.

I'm so grateful for what Allah brought to me. I am very grateful to HIM for what I have right now. I wish that everything will be on the right track. Wish the time will come. Wish everybody will bless and happy for us as well. Ameen.

As Time Goes By....

Hi,

Well, as the time goes by, I am very suprise today that I got one comment from nett.nadia. I never thought that I want to share this with anyone, and I did not bother if people alla around this virtual world would find and read my blog.:) It's an honor to me.

I started my blog in September. I was inspired after I read various blogs on the net. I got few friends who have blogs too, but I never tried to have mine. It's just happened after August, that I just simply want to have one.... I just want to start it as just like write my own diary. That what was people did, as I saw in blogs world. At started I just want it for my eyes reading only. It's seems the place that I want to write for what ever I want and felt at that time. It's something a place to express the feeling, which sometimes, I can't do it or express it in real.

Sometimes, for me, writing a blog is like a therapy. Maybe it won't 100%, but here, we always wrote what we thought, honestly. Almost..i guess. This goes for myself as well. When I started with abg, I don't have that many people to know about this, even I've been kept the secret from my very best friend. So, blog..(is)was the best way, for me,to express my feeling (sadness and happiness) until nowadays.

I wrote, and wrote and wrote. And I'll keep write. And reading all the previous posting was the most thing I did, during m free time. From there, I can watched how the progress. If I did not make any notes, then how can I see..right?

Everything that we experienced in our daily life, will stay as a history. There's a said " learn through the past". For me, to make sure that I really learnt from it, make a note on it will make it better. I might not be wise like other. I might be a slow learner, I might be weaker than other, so I have to write on it, in order to remind me. And again, I am only human, still make a mistake once a while, here and there. Even, sometimes, I did not learn from the past.

Especially for what I'm facing and having right now. As nadia said, "i respect your decision, tp u really hv to know what u r stepping into." I am pretty sure for what I've did and will do in my future. Poligamy is normal for me. Maybe many people don't agree with me, but I am very sure of myself. Doing something that "abnormal" to some people, is really hard to accept by all. But what else that I can say, because most of us have been set our minds on this matter. So, sometimes, I will just like to keep my mouth shut, when come to this matter.Because at one time, there's no point to argue. I would rather to keep quite than hurt someone's feeling.

Even, it never came across my mind to be a second wife to someone. But, I beleive all these were came from Allah. What God give, I'll take, cos I beleive what is best for him is best for me. InsyaAllah.

It is a long way for everybody to discover what God had planned for us. Just be grateful for the nikmatNYA and be patience for the dugaan and ujianNYA.

:)